I should’ve never taught my parrot to say the alphabet backwards now he drives drunk all the time the cops can’t do shit it’s a real problem
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me: we need to go to the ATM machine
thomas: lol ATM machine. isnt that a bit redundant you idiot
me (thinking about my Automatic Thomas Murdering machine): this is why we need to go to the ATM machine
Wife: What is that?
Me: Did you know killer whales are really the largest dolphin in the world?
Wife: I don’t care, just get it OUT of our pool!
Me: [whispering] Don’t worry, Dolphin Lundgren…she’ll come around.
I saw a tweet that said they wanted their first child to be a mail and all I did was respond, ‘Keep us posted’ and got blocked
Trump’s rhetoric has become even more disturbing and incendiary. Today he claimed “Burger King fries are as good as McDonald’s fries.”
I can’t remember why I walked into this room, but if you need to know the phone number of my best friend from fourth grade, I’m your gal.
Fortune Cookie:
You will go on a date with a beautiful woman. She could do so much better.
My wife just sighed from the other room, which can only mean one of 1,850 things.
Interviewer: “What’s your greatest accomplishment?”
Me: “I was in a lot of people’s MySpace Top 8s back in 2004.”
Made my daughter dinner last night and she told me it was really good as long as she took tiny bites and used lots of ketchup
SOMEONE LEFT. A FULL PLATE OF COOKIES. AND A GLASS OF MILK. RIGHT BY THE FIREPLACE FOR ME. I AM NOT KIDDING. WHAT A NIGHT
And in that moment, she decided to stand up for herself
Never again would she do what Simon said
I got catfished by someone claiming to be Mark Twain.
Standing on the corner with a cardboard sign that says ‘will work around red flags.’
I refuse to eat at restaurants that say kids are only free one day of the week. Imprisoning children is wrong.
Fake assault rifles that just have a ‘bang’ flag come out should be called JK-47s
Snacking on regular m&m’s and peanuts because I refuse to have my chocolate to peanut ratio dictated by some big corporation
Dress for the job you want to sleep at
“Sorbet” is a French word that means, “I wish it was ice cream.”
Flex on strangers by asking them if they remember you.
WIFE: What did you just do?
CAT: *bolts for no apparent reason*
ME: *bolts in the opposite direction in case she’s after both of us*
Amazon problems:
1920: pirahna
1990: losing rainforest
2017: wrong size
I have many hidden talents. Just wish I could find ’em.
Oh, you’re an early riser?
Yes.
Have kids?
No.
A farm?
No.
Insomnia?
No.
Medical condition?
No.
Psycho.
“Sleep” and I broke up a few nights ago. I’m dating “Coffee” now. She’s Hot!
After he loses, everyone who supported Trump should have to spend a year on an island where he gets to make all the decisions.
If you’re just out of school and working at your first adult job you may be wondering, “Is this really all there is to life?” and the answer is no! There’s also back pain
Most bags of sand live a tough life stopping floods. But some, the lucky ones, live a leisurely life tied to the basket of a hot air balloon
My girlfriend knows every single important date in our relationship history and I know she hates olives. She loves olives? Something olives.
Brother: The holidays are coming up fast. Are you excited?
Me: Of course I’m excited. *prepays 25 therapy sessions*
If someone sees you accidentally bite into plastic fruit, commit. don’t show weakness. eat all of it