Them: So what do you do?
Me: I don’t
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My wife set an auto-reply to all my texts that just says “No.”
My psychiatrist said I have a case of acute narcissism, but if you ask me it’s better described as downright adorable.
wife: how many beers is that for you?
me: yep
@ candidates for local office
In gangster movies they “know a guy” for every dirty job, yet I can’t find a single rando to fill in for Tuesday softball
If I were going to the Met Gala, I would do one of those costumes where it looks like someone’s carrying you.
Handmaid’s TALE not Handmaid’s Handbook
I wonder who the sorting hat will choose as the new Pope.
*keeps opening fridge even though I know there’s nothing good in there*
Me: why do I keep doing this, lol
*opens twitter*
[sneeze one]
Bless you
[sneeze two]
Bless you
[sneeze three]
You are under arrest
Me: *climbing down* The best revenge is living in a well.
Friend: That’s not the saying!
Me: *shouting up* You’ll all be sorry!
SHAKESPEARE: Brevity is the soul of wit.
ME: *Shows him twitter*
SHAKESPEARE: Okay, well, no, obviously not like that.
When my wife got her tongue pierced I asked her why? She said To enhanthe the thektual thimulation.
This is my pinned tweet
“You can eat your eyeball after you clean your room.” Me, still parenting with Halloween candy.
Life Hack: Get a dog and a cat and name them Resident and Occupant. Now that junkmail isn’t annoying, it’s adorable.
People should be able to call in healthy: “Look, I’m not coming into the office today. I feel really good and I don’t want to waste it on being at work “
I forgot to buy sacrificial goats for the eclipse on Monday (stupid!!) but then I remembered I can just log into this app and find an unlimited supply of virgins.
me: [throwing pebbles in the sea]
fred flintstone: NOOOOOOOO
*brings only yellow Starbursts for the office candy jar*
ME: (first day as a detective) It looks like he accidentally shot himself in the head while trying to eat his own gun. What a shame.
MY PARTNER: Have u considered suicide?
ME: Jesus Christ man, I just get sad sometimes. I dont want to die.
Me: *flips pillow to the cool side*
Cool Side of the pillow:
BEAT IT NERD!
Me: *flips pillow back to the nerd side*
KIDNAPPER: *hits me across the face* nobody’s ever gonna find u
[duolingo owl busts through the door and shoots the kidnapper]
ME: holy shit u saved me
OWL: u’ve got more spanish to learn. u’ll die when i say u can die
Babies have little hands and odd sleep schedules which is why my gym for buff infants has miniature equipment and stays open 24hrs.
the moral of the Phantom of the Opera is that sometimes there’s this weird guy who is impossible to deal with
My personal style is best described as “didn’t expect to get out of the car.”
Almost hit someone with my car just to get their attention…
It’s safe to say that flirting isn’t my strong point.
Take revenge, crap on a pigeon.
Unless someone tries to take a kneecap out with a crowbar, I have no interest in watching the Olympics.
Sure I’m stable, but like in the way a flatline is stable