Inspiration twitter:
“You’re worth keeping. If others walk away from you for any reason, it’s because they’re losers and they should feel badly.”
Also inspiration twitter:
“Never feel badly about walking away from losers who drain you for any reason. It’s self care.”
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Ways that I am superior to dolphins:
– Am not afraid of being on dry land
– If you ask me to open an envelope, I do it quickly and it doesn’t get wet
– Faster at replying to emails
– Know more about the causes of World War 1
– Very rare for me to be swept up in a fishing net
I swear, one more minor inconvenience and I’m running away to join the circus.
Me: *interviewing a potential coworker*: why did you leave your previous job?
Him: I was fired
Me: what for?
Him: I knocked my boss out
Me: How fast can you join?
[trying to impress fiancée’s entire family]
Waiter: Your bill for-
Oh I got it! [looks at bill & spits wine] WHO ORDERED THE “SUBTOTAL”?!?
Shoutout to all the guests at my wedding that forever held their peace……WHAT THE HELL DID I EVER DO TO YOU?!?!
She: 5 mins babe
He: Ok*discovers a new planet*
*travels to it*
*discovers life*
*returns back*He: Ready?
She: 5 mins babe
My kid found a sick eagle and asked me to help it
Son: have you done this before or you just going to….WING IT?!?
Me: no…dummy. I can’t lawfully touch him it’s….ill-eagle
Email subject line: “Your invited.” Thanks, I’ll bring an apostrophe and an e.
me: *keeps bumping the back of my hand against his trying to get him to hold mine*
death: quit it
Never Never Never tell someone you are patient.
They will test you…
Them: You’re hot.
Me: *eyes narrowed suspiciously* How many crosswalks do you see in here right now?
Hahaha this stupid baby on the bus thinks they can cry louder than me
shopping channels are insane. they be like “today we have this delightful egg peeler that can also be used as a non slip shower mat”
Wearing a seashell necklace is a great way to let everyone know how cool you were in 1996.
To be fair, if I had a friend who could turn water into wine – I’d worship him too.
(life flashing before my eyes)
paramedics: why is he cringing?
Instead of writing letters, let’s wait a week before texting each other back so it still feels like it
My toddler keeps running over and yelling “BOO!” in my face.
It’s totally unnecessary, though. I’ve been completely terrified of him since the day he was born.
boss: i never got ur email
me: [forgot to send] that’s so weird i’ll resend it now
*walks into room, turns chair around backwards & sits down with arms crossed on it*
hey kids…I’m here to talk about how chairs confuse me
When people call me a monster I always hope they mean a cute one like Cookie Monster
I wouldn’t recommend drinking too much and wrapping presents. I still can’t find my remote.
[Martian welcoming party]
We’re so excited to welcome our friends from Ear—ok it’s another robot car everybody. Why do they keep doing this
ME: i would like to open a checking account
BANKER: would you like a savings account too?
ME: no
BANKER: okay, just checking
I’m not fat. I’m famine proof.
If a vampire is also a doctor, an apple is as effective as garlic
game of thrones is such a cool show. they should make a book out of it. [props a stick under a box to capture all the nerds that respond]
I wish the Antiques Roadshow guy had just told me how much my swords were worth without getting all nosy about where the blood came from.
i’m a Leo which means i won’t win an Oscar for several more years