When walking on the beach with someone, I like to pretend that I’m the ocean’s lawyer. “Sorry, I have to take this,” I say holding a seashell to my ear. “It’s my best client.”
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Lying on the hammock while my wife does yard work. Don’t know exactly what she’s planting but the hole she dug is slightly bigger than me.
Every now and then I wear a button-down shirt just to remind myself how buttons work.
satan: [pulling me aside] hey we’ve had some complaints
me: about the laughing?
satan yeah [scratching horns] i gotta be honest a lot of the demons are creeped out
me:
satan: you really shouldn’t be enjoying the torture this much
What do the films Titanic & the 6th sense have in common?
Icy dead people…
I forgot the word for donut so I said cop bagel
My daughters moved out on their own and they call me periodically to ask for advice and answers. I kind of thought watching me raise them would have proven that I’m winging it, but for some reason, they think that I know things?
“Hi I’m here to interview for the branch manager position.”
“We’re only hiring tree trimmers.”
“That’s exactly what I just said.”
Getting marriage advice from a priest is like taking your lawn mower to Burger King to get repaired.
In my 20’s: why is eating healthy such a big deal anyways.
In my 40’s: oh.
If I’m flirting, you’ll know it by how uncomfortable you become.
I hate it when someone says “here’s the thing…” and then doesn’t give me a thing.
Getting colagen injections in my lips next week ’cause, you know, ’tis the season to be Jolie.
H: The house is empty, why don’t you go and slip into something more comfortable?
Me: great idea *comes back wearing fuzzy penguin pajamas*
“Hi, I’m Lucky, this is Bandit, and this is Shadow.”
– if people were named like pets
I enjoy driving because it combines my desire to sit with my talent for being angry.
Are 19th Century menstrual pads called period pieces?
I hate when I accidentally say “I love you” instead of “I’m biologically driven to want to reproduce with you & I’m temporarily delusional”
Guy doing yoga
Me: Poser!
“Daddy’s not home, so for dinner we’re having a smorgasbord!” I tell the kids, using the Swedish word for chicken nuggets and Benadryl.
paul mccartney: all the lonely people, where do they all come from? all the lonely people, where do they all belong?
[from back of the room]: twitter
skydiving instructor: is this your first time?
me: [holding seven balloons] why do you ask
My high school son works at a grocery store and I went through his checkout line with wine. He called a manager for approval.
M: Did you proof her?
S: She’s my mom.
M: OK but she may not be 21.
S: That’s biologically impossible.
M: No it’s not.
*My son is 16.
I realize how this looks, but that guy’s neck was already like that when I got here.
[ME]: *pointing up to the sky writer plane* it’s a message for you babe
[GF]: oh how romantic
[SKYWRITER]: KATE WILL YOU MA-
[GF]: omg yes i wi-
[ME]: wait keep watching
[SKYWRITER]: -KE SURE TO BUY THE NAME BRAND COCOA PUFFS NEXT TIME LIKE I ASKED YOU IDIOT
If Twitter has done nothing else, it’s trained me to spell words like diarrhea, gonorrhea & chlamydia without spell check.
My son is running back and forth from the kitchen to his room because he can’t bring the chips to his room.
He’s nothing if not a problem solver.
Pretty sure I’ve gotten as far as I’m going to get in life on my looks.
Narrator: He he not gotten very far.
“”What if – and this sounds crazy – what if we based the look on this drawing my 3 year old made?” – Design team for Kia Soul
Just saw a grasshopper jump on cement.
THEY’RE EVOLVING.
You’ll never be as lazy as the person who named the fireplace.