*struts into the new year
~ trips
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[being held back by fireman as i try to run back in the house during earthquake]
“MY ETCH A SKETCHES”
ME: Is there a ghost in here?
{everything shakes, dishes shatter in kitchen, books fall off shelves}
Ouija Board: {slides to no}
ME: phew
Me: I save a bunch of time by not having to tie my shoes.
Her: What do you do with the time saved?
Me: *tying my dogs shoes* Sorry, what?
“People are acting crazy” says the interviewed shopper with the shopping cart piled high.
My 1-year-old is learning to give a high-five, but she’s unclear on where her hand should land. She basically just slaps people in the face.
In 7000 years, some archeologist is going to be confused as shit after he unearths a stationary bicycle.
If my milkshake brings all the boys to the yard, I’m handing them rakes.
[In Bed]
Her: You feeling spicy tonight?
Me: Imma be honest. At best I’m a Honey BBQ on the Buffalo Wild Wings chart.
The great thing about playing the bagpipes is no one knows if you’re good at it or not.
The local kid haircut place (the kind where you sit in cars and planes) closed unexpectedly for a month and all the little kids are wandering around town looking like Tom Hanks in Castaway right before he built that raft
It’s like my Uncle said, no body, no crime
Coworker: I only asked how your weekend was…
If a zombie approaches you, bop it on the nose with a rolled-up magazine and say NO.
Sometimes I wonder how vegans can survive off what little they can eat and then I remember they just feed off attention.
If I was on the Titanic I would have told the captain “Do not hit that iceberg,” saving millions in the process
I have a lot of disdain for anyone in the top 1% who hasn’t become Batman.
my toxic trait is feeling like eating 1 box of oreos over the course of 1 day is healthier than eating them in one sitting. there has to be less calories that way.
The government is dysfunctional and needs to be fixed I’ll probably fall in love with it any minute
Someone please help me convince my boyfriend to hire people to paint the inside of his house instead of doing it ourselves we’re only 80% of the way through one room and I’m already thinking about how I can fake my own death and move to an island until it’s over
I tried to cover myself in plastic wrap as a sexy surprise, but we were out and this aluminum foil is getting itchy…
Husband: can we try some new positions in the bedroom?
Me: sure!
Husband: any ideas?
Me: [excited] sleepy sloth?
Husband:
Me: [more excited] hibernating bear?
Husband:
Me: [most excited] the lazy starfish?
I’ll stop wearing black when they make a darker color
Woke up to my 8 year old daughter in bed instead of my wife and for a split second, I thought my wife got Benjamin Button-ed.
[a cat sitting in the sleigh impassively knocking presents out into the Pacific Ocean]
Rudolph: Santa Claws, NO
I mistook a flash flood warning for a neighboring town as a “flash mob” announcement. So, when I showed up for it, I looked stupid.
And my shoes got wet.
Drugs don’t ruin lives
Drug tests do
what if our teeth screamed obscenities at us every time we brushed them?
There is a piece of aluminum foil blowing across the road and all I can think is that one of you is without your protective headgear today.
Checkmate, Flat Earthers
DAD: when your grandpa died we planted that tree so we don’t forget him
ME: cool
[later]
TREE: You still remember grandpa chuck?
ME: yeah
TREE: cool just checkin
The workers will arrive to install something in the kitchen. Let that sink in.