Me to my first grade class: Everyone please close your eyes for a minute.
6yo: Did you forget to put on your deodorant again?
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You may not like the word “moist” but the alternative is “endampened” and I’ll not have endampened cake.
Enemas make shit happen. No seriously.
Wife: Could you load the dishwasher while you’re in the kitchen?
Husband: I’m in the bathroom now
W: Please change the roll
H: Sorry. Garage.
W: Please wash the car
H: Can’t. I’m in France now
W: Bring back croissants
AISLE 7
– Chips
– Cookies
– Quackers
Cavemen who roamed the earth were Meander-thals.
Maybe put an Apple Air Tag in your F-35 jets.
Instead of yelling “Hello?” when u think a murderer’s in your home, say “Goodbye” Then if he’s there he’ll be like well OK guess I’m leaving
Don’t you hate when you do something out of the kindness of your heart & someone gets upset because you shoved a pack of gum in their mouth?
Anyone else’s spine sound like an accordion when they go to bend over?
No?
yeah but what if it 𝗶𝘀 your fault that you got the grocery cart with the bad wheel? what if maybe the cart just doesn’t like 𝘆𝗼𝘂
My charger only works if my phone is on a 45 degree angle, resting on a tiny pillow with Pat Benatar playing quietly in the background.
A baby bear catches snowflakes.
“Every dog has his day,” they used to say. Still, no one was quite prepared that morning Emperor Mister Pickles marched his army into town.
Them: So you weren’t being mean?? You are just an idiot?
Me:
Me: Is there a third option?
Felt so bad for this dude.
Imagine showing up to your son’s high school football game and he gets killed by Hitler.
The year is 2087. We finally have flying cars. Grey’s Anatomy has been on for 82 years.
*calls son at college*
Pop quiz, son
“Ok”
What’s the opposite of a hot dog
“Um…a cold cat?”
Exactly. Now let’s talk about Fluffy
Although we’ve been together for 30+ years, my wife discovered only yesterday that I actually do quite a passable Charles impersonation.
It’s completely revolutionised our lovemaking, I tell you.
Once this giraffe adoption comes through, my days of cleaning gutters are over.
“Sleep is for the dead”. Yeah cos you look so alive when you’re yawning. #stupidsayings
He died doing what he loved — screaming for help and punching a bear.
There’s a Baseball field in Finland that has a river camera. The results are what I’d expect.
Walking in the woods, 4-year-old asked if I would carry her armful of rocks. I said no. She asked if I would carry her sweatshirt. I said yes. She handed me her sweatshirt (filled with rocks).
mike tyson’s full name is mike thank you son
let me be very clear: i would rather attend a Pig’s wedding than attempt to sift through the dumpster you people have made out of my dm box,
Pro Tip: If you’re searching for Moana You Tube video clips for your kids, DO NOT forget the ‘a’ on the end.
DENTIST: let’s get started, shall we? *places drill on tray*
ME: um
D: *places giant needle on tray*
ME: uhhhhh
D: *places handgun on tray*
Most people don’t know this, but the North only won the Civil War because the South got half an inch of snow and they lost their damn minds.
It’s gonna be a great beach day, and other mean things meteorologists say as I’m getting ready for work.