The best part of vacation with your extended family is talking shit about them on the trip home.
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*washing car*
Neighbor: “You washing your car?”
Me: “No. I’m watering it to see if it grows into a bus.”
The suburbs are powerful. No matter how strong you think you are, by day two you’re eating dinner at 4 and asking what the weather’s looking like tomorrow
My wife always nags me and it’s annoying. “Stop chewing so loudly”, “Why don’t you replace the toilet paper roll?”, “Wake up hurry, my water broke!”
[eyeing a beautiful woman]
ME: mmmm I love tight yoga pants
HER: they look terrible on you
All movies about zombies are Easter movies because of resurrection.
Best part about wearing glasses is taking them off when you’re making a point so people know shit’s about to get real.
No email needs to tell me not to reply.
I just tested negative for patience.
To my American friends: On Sunday, don’t forget to set your clocks back one hour. On Tuesday, try not to set your country back 50 years.
Sushi’s just never quite as good re-heated the next day.
So many friends have kids now it’s tough to meet for coffee, let alone carry out the greatest casino heist the world has ever known
Sleeping In A Car By Age:
12 And Under: Very cool
13-17: Kinda weird but not that big of a deal
18+: Uh-Oh
Junior scholars: “I feel awkward citing myself”
Senior scholars: “as I cleverly argued (1988; 1991), admirably reiterated (1993; 1995; 1996); and handsomely concluded (2001; 2004; 2007)…”
Customer is always right
Forget a boring old urn with my ashes, when I’m dead and gone I want my kids to display my shrunken head on the mantle
Slave1: I never knew my parents
Slave2: same
Moses: I was put in a basket & placed in a river
Slave1: do baskets float?
Moses: they do not
Kevins first time outside 😭 he was absolutely bewildered
Donald Trump is like the “Scream” movies in that he blurs the line between comedy and horror.
“yer a magician, harry” hagrid said to hary houdini when he graduted magic academy
(McDonald’s bathroom)
*pulls away from kissing*
You’re better than my mirror at home
turning my gender off to conserve energy
I thought my pores were finally getting smaller, but it turns out my eyes were just getting worse.
It’s ok, fake Christmas tree…
…my lights don’t all go on anymore either.
Since it’s hunting season, we are allowed to shoot the cars with the antlers on them, right?
My waxer keeps mumbling about finding Big Foot. Probably just means he finds me mysterious, right?
[sees cute girl jog by]
“Imma run up and ask her out”
[one block later still not caught up]
“Ok, wow, we probably weren’t soul mates anyway”
After about two minutes I would definitely start to assume the clapping was sarcastic
Autocorrect just changed ‘so thirsty’ to ‘sloth irate’ and I’m slowly getting angry about it.
Welcome to your 40’s: that white stuff in your hair, is your hair.