Some Olympians have been training since they were 5.
I’m hoping my 6yo comes home from summer camp today with 2 shoes on.
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If you’re blowing a horn at me, you’d better be in a band.
FUN FACT: A collection of Russell Crowe movies is called a murder of movies.
me: no thanks I’m a vegan
person handing me a baby: what
really hoping a cop doesnt wander into my room and sees me googling “how to do a hit and run 2021” out of context
Right before you die, maybe yell out something funny, like “hi God- wait a minute, YOU’RE NOT GOD”
*horse walks into a bar*
*horse walks into a bar*
*horse walks into a bar*
*horse walks into an optometrist*
Horse: Holy shit please help me
Boss “I’m looking for a volunteer.”
Me *chops off own legs “I can’t!”
Co-worker “I’m busy, sorry.”
Me “damn, that’s a better excuse.”
“How do you compete in fencing if you don’t have a sword?”
“I just dodge the other guy’s attacks.”
“You’re missing the point.”
“That’s the idea!”
Every time I use hand sanitizer I wonder about the 0.1% of bacteria that isn’t killed.
What the hell kind of scary shit is that?
I like to do a task by worrying about it for three weeks and then finally dedicating 12 solid minutes to completing it.
Maybe it’s love, or maybe she just can’t unclasp that damn bracelet on her wrist without help
Starting a skydiving school called Active Chuters
the eldest child I nanny (she’s 5) has a game where she sits us all in a circle and gives us each a coin with a sticker on one. anyways if we flip our coin and it lands sticker-side-up we have to touch the dead bee she keeps under her bed in a tupperware.
Her: Wow… You really cleaned up the place
A cockroach with a little bow-tie waddles by
Me: Anything for you baby girl
Anyone know any Sausage Biscuits looking for a job?
My kids were helping me clean & then they asked what their reward would be.
Um how about you continue to live here?
Husband: where you off to?
Me: bathroom
Husband: you have to pee again?
Me: no, I gotta cough
Nerds were always ugly or goofy looking. Then from nowhere emerged the hot girl nerd and the limitations of Nerdom crumpled before our eyes.
Sometimes I’m out in public and I have to look down real quick to make sure I remembered to put on pants.
I never feel more betrayed than when my hair won’t cooperate because it’s too clean
Every day is a struggle to resist the overwhelming biological urge to throw a frozen watermelon into a hot deep fat fryer but yes, I’d love to help you plan a formal dinner party.
Any time a car with its hazards on passes me, I panic thinking I’ve wandered into a funeral procession and now I have to lie to a dead stranger’s family.
Fact: Canadians are legally allowed to be late for work once a week for ‘reindeer related delays.’
The saddest thing about trying to find a needle in a haystack is that your horse is hiding a drug habit from you.
My dog wakes me up at 5am every morning to go outside for a shit, which is great because otherwise I’d probably do it in the bed.
Turns out when you’re asked who your favourite child is you’re expected to pick from your own.
I cleaned up my son’s playroom today and it’s so clean now that I’m not sure I want him playing in there anymore
My 12 wakes up, showers, changes into another pair of PJ’s and starts playing PS4. He has no idea how jealous I am.
The man who invented Velcro died. RIP.
Kids today: Find out school is cancelled via text
Me: Had to wake up at 5 a.m. and watch the bottom of the tv screen like the NFL Draft