Those gender reveal parties are getting crazier and crazier
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FIRST GUY TO RECEIVE A LETTER IN AN ENVELOPE: oh I get it she wrapped up a piece of paper in…. another piece of paper
Nobody:
Me: LORD OF THE RINGS IS A CHRISTMAS MOVIE THERE ARE ELVES.
College graduates look awfully happy for people who’ll never have an entire summer off again.
I went on my daughter’s movie field trip with her class so of course I snuck in snacks and she snitched on me to her teacher then had the audacity to ask me to share
What’s the most baby state? Washington because WA
Na Fa Fo Na Na Fo Fo -Sassy black girl giving me her digits.
Shoutout to my upstairs neighbors who wrestled a large moose last night
What do you call a food fight with an unlimited amount of food?
All you can yeet.
Look, when I said I would “do anything” to bring Eurydice back from the Underworld I obviously meant “besides walk in a straight line without turning around”
9-year-old: Sorry I stayed up past my bedtime last night.
Me: You stayed up past your bedtime?
9: No.
Technically lava can kill coronavirus, but there’s a good reason why no-one is using it in the fight against the ongoing pandemic: nothing else would survive the encounter with molten rock either.
The worst thing about parallel parking is witnesses.
there should be an olympic sport for pessimism, not that i could ever win
Where are you going?
“Ice fishing”
You know you can just buy ice at the store right?
“No I mean th…”
Or just freeze some water even…
I’ve started thinking in CNN. ‘Am I going to have a cup of coffee? Looking at historical trends, you would say yes. But! I am very comfortable. Maybe someone else will get me one. Maybe I’ll fall asleep. We’ll know more an hour from now. Back to you, Wolf.’
Pasta aisle is cleaned out because that’s all most people know how to cook.
I would steal more cars if only folks left their keys behind the sun visor like in the movies DAMN.
Baby let’s play doctor. I’ll go first. You owe me $3200.
George Michael: I hope you like it
me: *opening gift* oh… your heart, umm… you shouldn’t have
[the very next day]
me: does anyone want this, I’m just giving it away
How do you milk an almond?
I trust Chick-fil-A so much that I don’t even check my bag and if they get my order wrong I just assume they know what’s best for me.
Just saw a grasshopper jump on cement.
THEY’RE EVOLVING.
[couples therapy]
Mrs: he’s too handsy, always touching me all over…
Mr: [who is an octopus] I CANT HELP IT LINDA IM LIKE 90% HANDS…
No you cannot be my boyfriend. I am going steady with bread & we are in love.
It’s weird when my cat paces around on the front porch as if she’s in some intense conversation. I mean, I even checked her for ear buds.
I’m laughing way harder than I should for this image.
not reading the comments on ads is a crime tbh
*Looks left*
*Looks right*
*Crosses road*
*Gets run over by chicken*
I always keep a shotgun under my bed in case a horse sneaks in and breaks his leg