My cat sleeps next to her food bowl and it inspired me to move my bed to the kitchen
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Pro tip: fake having telekinesis powers by throwing stuff at people as soon as they’re not looking
I can’t stress this enough, I will never have a need to use a hotel’s complimentary gym when I’m on vacation.
Me: What do you say when someone shows you a pic of their ugly baby?
Friend: Just make a comment like “Look at all that hair!”
[looking at pic later on]
Me: Look at all that nose!
Police: Cover me
Rookie: ok [pulls out guitar] Every little thing she does is magic
10 y/o daughter, pointing to the moles on her arm: “I kind of have a lot, oh wait, this one is just chocolate.”
*Lips to mike
Mike: Do I know you?
I’m the master at playing ‘The floor is lava’
*Lies on the couch*
Me: “I’d like to pay by card.”
Waiter: “Contactless?”
Me: “No, you can cuddle me.”
Parenthood is where you spend 18 years saying no all because of that one critical time you said yes.
*94K tweets later* I’m really a very private person
Q: How do you stop an astronaut’s baby from crying?
A: You rocket!
#HatDadJoke
HGTV has taught me you can do anything if you have the right tools. I’ve also learned that any handyman you hire will have those tools.
I just accidentally swallowed a whole bunch of Scrabble tiles. My next shit could spell disaster.
Trump is blaming Sanders supporters for the violence at his rally because you can’t truly be Hitler until you blame a Jew for your problems.
First person to see an eclipse: SHIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIII…oh okay
[GOD INVENTING THE AVOCADO]
Make a banana annoying.
“How you like dem apples?”
“Just shut up and eat, Frank.”
NEED SOMEONE TO FILM AN ONLYFANS VID WITH ME:
You pretend to be a mover helping me get my things from one apartment to the other. I wear a tiny sundress and you don’t touch me you just move my things. This does not pay
“This syrup tastes funny…”
-Me, drunk, putting soy sauce on my pancakes
Sixteen years and 200+ million users ago, we could not have imagined ourselves here. Today, Vimeo is a public company. Thank you to everyone who helped us reach this point. We can’t wait to take Vimeo into the future. #VMEO
Pineapple farms looks like someone said they were a pineapple farmer and got caught in the lie so just started chucking pineapples on the grass
How was I supposed to know unleashing 342 cats in a club would turn to bone-chilling horror the instant the disco balls started up?
The biggest thing I learned when I got married was how much I made up lyrics to songs…
How to open new toy:
1. Cut tape with machete.
2. Take shot.
3. Undo 23,518 twist ties.
4. Take 3 shots.
5. Watch child play with box.
I’m not necessarily saying that quinoa is repulsive, all I’m saying is that Cheetos are already prepared.
The size of the gates in Jurassic Park suggests they were always planning on letting the dinosaurs out.
Them: You’re too focused on revenge
Me: Oh yeah? We’ll see about that
Can’t believe it’s December again, 2023 seems like yesterday.
Who called them friends with benefits and not bedable arrangements?
Fun Fact:
A burrito will never sleep with your best friend behind your back.