When I win the lottery I’m going to get dozens of fake IDs with various names. Then I’ll go to Starbucks and try to claim every coffee. Yes, as a matter of fact, I am Sarah and also Frank. Here’s my ID
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If she shovels shit at the local zoo, then she’s a keeper
Never underestimate what a woman will do for love.
[restaurant]
WAITER: here’s your check
ME: can we split it
WAITER: yes of course
DATE: *reaches for card*
ME: no it’s cool me and the waiter got this
So fluffy! 😍 #Cats #CatsOfTwitter
My kids never meet a drink he couldn’t spill
[talking to a frat bro]
Me: Dude you have such a strong axe scent.
When someone says they love me to the moon and back, I tell them that’s only about 500,000 miles and I expect more tbh.
My wife and I were happy for 24 years. Then we met.
“What about flying rats with no poop muscles and scissors for mouths?”
– God creating birds
I have a Brown Paper Belt in Origami
Yawn in the club to see who’s checkin you out.
What’s your zodiac sign? I’m a banjo wizard.
*Mom Godzilla calls Godzilla during the morning*
Mom Godzilla: Are you eating your cities? Belfast is the most important meal of the day.
Obamacare? More like “Obama? I don’t care for that guy!!!” Honk if you want poor people to die
St. Peter: “Spock?”
Leonard Nimoy: “I’m Leonard. Spock was just a character I played on TV.”
St. Peter: “HEY EVERYBODY! IT’S SPOCK!”
Pre school teacher: here’s your kids artwork
Me: it’s got glitter on it
PST:
Me: STOP SENDING GLITTER-COVERED ART HOME OR I’LL CALL THE POLICE
PST: I don’t think the police-
Me: GOOD DAY TO YOU SIR
My husband and I just met with our financial advisor. Our new retirement plan is to disband, marry much older, wealthier spouses and kind of just wait it out.
me wanting to be loved vs. the mortifying ordeal of being known
Eggs Benedict implies the exsistence of Eggs Cumberbatch
My grandmother was parking on the street and I kept giggling. She finally asked me why, and I just said “paralleloGram.”
3 – DAD! HEY DAD!
Me: Don’t yell from the door son! Walk here and talk to me
3 – *walks over*
3 – I stepped in dog poop, what should I do?
Let’s give each other some bad writing advice!
Type “You’re not a real writer unless you” then let predictive text do it’s thing.
Mine:
“You’re not a real writer unless you are an expert in the middle east.”
Oddly specific.
{yard full of boys}
*pointing at milkshakeExterminator: there’s your problem
I can’t make everyone happy, I’m not lasagna.
But I can cause heartburn like red sauce.
WAITER: Ready to order?
GIANT WORM IN TRENCHCOAT: Bring me dirt from the grave!
W: We cannot
GWIT: I HUNGER FOR CORPSE EARTH
W: Again no
At the age where a big break could mean either my career or a hip
Tony Hawk Pro Skater implies the existence of an evil, parallel dimension Tony Hawk Anti Skater.
[back from the ultrasound]
MOTHER-IN-LAW: So did you see the fetus?
ME: Fetus, handus, legus…there was practically a whole baby in there!
Hubby is playing “Restaurant” with the kids and it went from them serving him food, to him calling the cops on them so I guess it’s not going well.