Hubs: Columbus discovered America not asking for directions so why do I.
Me: He set out for India and went the wrong way.
Hubs: Oh.
Me: Yep.
You Might Also Like
bet marie kondo is wishing she had more shit in her house right about now.
Forgot to take off my makeup and woke up looking like Cyndi Lauper from 1983.
[before animals were invented]
plants: this is nice
Me: No work tomorrow so I’m sleeping in.
Kids: LOL
Dog: LOL
Brain: LOL
Bladder: LOL
2: Mommy!!
Me: Yes?
2: NOOOOOOOOO!
I have a spot on my glasses but nothing to clean the lens with so I’m learning not to see it. So…pretty much how I deal with all my problems.
“Service Dog, Do Not Pet.” We’re sure this means me? Should we ask the dog? We should ask the dog.
Me: *drinks tea*
Villain: haha! I have poisoned your drink!
Me: *starts drinking faster*
“IT WAS NEVER SUPPOSED TO BE LIKE THIS!!!” I yell at the guy next to me at the red light while tweezing stray hairs from my chin.
What he says: Ya know, your mom is actually right.
What I hear: So, you have chosen death.
6y/o: Mommy, do you know what a Ouija board is?
Me: Yes.
6y/o: Let’s get one so we can talk to you later.
Reason 5,746 why parents drink- my kids are fighting over whose horse is going faster on the same merry-go-round
Many experts believe that the first person to live to 200 years old has already been born and all I can say is it sure as shit better not be me
Going off the grid sounds great until you find out how difficult it is to make mayonnaise in the woods.
movies be like: here is a scientist – she is world renowned, she teaches at MIT, she is 24, she is stupid hot.
I dont mean to sound racist, but why is my baby black?
*doctor sighs for like 3 mins*
“Sir, its an ultrasound”
*Seinfeld bass riff for days*
Pregnant women are full of ‘compressed heir’
anybody is allowed to send me $1,400 it doesn’t have to just be the government
The roof of my mouth has had it too easy lately. I’m gonna eat some scalding hot pizza followed by a handful of granola.
waiter: any questions?
me: did courtney kill kurt??
him: uh, about the menu?
me: LOL i seriously doubt she killed him about the menu
Me: *Walks into therapy with an iced coffee*
Therapist: You’re late again
Me: oH No HoW dOeS tHaT mAkE yOu FeEl, DeBoRaH
Me: No matter what you do in life, I’ll always be there for you.
Wife: Stop making promises to the pig.
I went for a run but came back after 4 minutes because I forgot something. I forgot I’m out of shape and can’t run for more than 4 minutes!
AIR STEWARDESS [looks at ticket] just down that way
ME: You mean down the long thin tube with one walkway
A.S: Yes
ME: I’d be lost without u
I think it’s only called hoarding when you’re poor.
Every library has something in it to offend everyone, and in this library that thing is probably me.
Son: Mom
Son: Mom
Son: Mom
Son: Mom
OUIJA BOARD: F F S W H A T ???
Son: Have you seen my other shoe?
waitress: and for you?
me: egg
waitress: what does that mean sweetie, can you be more specific
me, carefully cupping my hands into a small oval shape: egg
Me: Ugh how can people live like this?!
Him: This is our house.
Me: What the Hell happened?
Him: We had kids.
Me: Oh. Right.