Nobody ever talks about how effective letting dogs sleep in your bed is for birth control.
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gordon ramsay: ok chefs you must prepare an appetizer, soup, a main course, and a dessert you have 30 minutes time starts now
me: *struggling to open a bagged salad*
The lady at the massage parlor asked if I wanted a happy ending, I said yes and then she proceeded to tell me the plot of Homeward Bound.
“I hope to find you well.”
I’m sure I had one dug somewhere on my vast estate.
My neighbor asked how I keep my grass looking so good
I told him to have a seat, it’s kind of a lawn story
I dreamt I was drowning in the ocean, and woke up spitting on my pillow.
So yeah, you can say I get pretty wet n wild in bed.
The way Burger King make you feel like a Dickensian orphan when you ask for a second package of sauce is truly something.
what other people think of me is none of my business. unless it’s bad, then i need to know everything
You wouldn’t know her. She goes to a different Internet
Colleagues confronted me about my terrible similes. Like crows trapped in a Smucker’s jar, I’d have to murder my way out of yet another jam.
Why are sports teams named after animals? Why can’t it be the Atlanta Cherry Blossoms… or the Denver Lettuce Wraps.. ?
the amazon drone struggles to stay in the air & nearly takes out a police helicopter as it makes its way to my house carrying 45 pounds of mustard
[looking up at bird sitting in a tree whilst on 1st date]
“I didn’t know birds could climb trees”
He wants my carcasses apparently.
I think autocorrect won that round.
Every time we go out as a family, my wife spends half the time yelling “What did we talk about before we left home?” She even says it to the kids.
I don’t respect Aquaman, because I can’t respect a hero whose arch nemesis is that plastic drink holder that you find on a six pack of cans.
[Jesus entering surf contest]
Judge: What type of board will you be riding?
Jesus: [looks at feet]
They’re using boards?
A car pool is an extravagant waste of water.
Scientist: a comet is headed for earth, we need a plan
Me: howabout a big funnel
S: why would that help
M: u know, to like, guide it here
It turns out that the Circle of Life doesn’t mean a donut, I’m so confused.
You think you have problems, I used a toothpick to get a toothpick out of my teeth this morning.
ME: [sitting on iphone] europe. europe. EUROPE. europe
[5 hrs later]
ME: ok fine maybe ur right
WIFE: what did you think airplane mode meant
Leaving the Barbers like
My spirit animal is an upturned turtle.
if you’re in a bathroom & person in next stall sneezes, do you say bless you or just applaud like normal? need answer fast too late clapping
You can tell a lot about a person based on what they use as a gender-neutral singular pronoun.
[couples therapy]
ME: She thinks I make bad decisions
WIFE: He traded our car for a skateboard
THERAPIST: *writing notes* This guy rules
Tomorrow is my company’s office holiday potluck. I really hope they like the french fries I found between my car seat
Maybe the environment should adapt to accommodate our negligence did it ever think about that