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nobody warns you of the devastation two days of stuffing will bring upon your digestive system
Just ONCE, I’d like took deep into your beautiful eyes, and make hot sweet love with you without some pop-up window ruining the mood.
“I didn’t come here to argue.”
– people who definitely came to argue.
I reached down to adjust my left bra cup this morning, lost my grip, and punched myself in the chin.
Women are like campfires.
Beautiful, hot, smell great, warm your heart.
And, both don’t like it if you pee on them.
Mostly.
What is your favorite movie where Tom Cruise runs really fast?
*tornado warning*
*sirens blaring outside*
*every phone in the house beeping emergency alerts*Me, frantic: EVERYONE GET INTO THE BATHTUB!
Son: I’m one of 3 left in this Fortnite game, hang on.
My unsolicited parenting advice? Clip your kids toe nails with your mouth closed. You’re welcome.
I’ve accidentally called someone on IG messenger before and my reaction was the same as if I had just been caught shoplifting.
Me: I have the hiccups. You know what that means.
Wife: You’re about to get mad?
Me: That’s right. If they’re not gone in the next 15 minutes, I’m buying a gun.
I’m inventing a swaddle blanket for like 5 year olds. It’s basically a straight jacket, but with a friendly name like “The Tantrum Hug.”
Dentist: ok open up
“Well I guess it all started when my dad left…”
Dentist: no I mean-
Assistant: wait bill…let him finish
The trick to free lunches is to tell your friend “you get this one, I’ll get the next 1” and then never see them again and make new friends.
Fox News: Witnesses are telling us Michael Brown may have charged Officer Darren Wilson atop a dragon, wielding a poison-tipped broadsword
Writing tip: Give your characters different names. If all your characters are named “Nathan”, readers will become confused.
I’m not afraid of identity theft. Go ahead and enjoy being broke and having my dad call you a failure.
My 7-year-old wrote this joke:
What’s a zombie’s favorite weather?
A brainstorm.I’ve never been more proud.
i have good and bad news
Wife: Ok, the bad news?
i didn’t clean out the garage
Wife:*sigh* the good news?
[holds up cat dressed as Thor]
😜😜 Happy Saturday folks ☕️☕️
Does anyone want a $100 bill? Because I’m giving away $100 bills!
Here, you can have my $100 phone bill… and my $100 grocery bill…. and my $100 insurance bill!
may your fathers prosper. may your friends be uglier than you. may your exes get food poisoning
I’m sorry for the things I said when I was attempting to take off my sports bra.
I feel like having your carriage robbed at swordpoint by a dashing rogue who takes your ring (but you know he’s intrigued by you and will return it later in some intimate way, so you don’t protest TOO much) is a vastly superior method of meeting men as opposed to online dating.
[movie theater]
*reaches into wife’s purse*
*pulls out lasagna*
me: Told you it’d work
4-year-old: Why does mom always yell at you?
Me: Marriage is complicated.
4: Is it because you’re stupid?
I hope no one murders you..but if they do, I hope it’s quick and interesting enough to get you on Dateline.
If they served grilled cheese sandwiches at communion, I’d go to church more often.
*if I had the Infinity Gauntlet*
*in the kitchen, tappin’ to the music, snappin’ to the mu-
ope
Day 126 with no sex. I’ve lost hearing in my right eye
“I’m not angry, just disappointed. You need to try harder. This is important! Do I make myself clear?”
“Sorry, sir. Here’s your ketchup.”