Death metal fans are complaining abt all the noise. Irony.
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Do cute firemen still come when a cat is stuck in a tree?
Only in case of fire?
Fine. But pretty sure my cat won’t like being set on fire.
If a Facebook video says “you won’t believe what happens next” then I replace “believe” with “care”
If I was a witch, I’d curse you to have to wear tight jeans to Thanksgiving dinner.
At least men & women can agree on one thing: it feels AMAZING to take a bra off
Wife [asking serious questions during NFL™ kickoff] …
Me [screaming at tv] yes! Yes! YES!!
Wife: okay! Yay!! [adopts 13 cats]
Careful, friends. [bends down and examines a handprint in the sidewalk] There is a very powerful child nearby.
Shit. Gotta huge job interview tomorrow and I have no clue where I put my prom dress
I stepped in water with my socks on, you guys go on without me
you know that feeling, as a kid, you’re out shopping with your mom, and
shopkeeper, be like $1,200,
then mom, without shame, be like $17.so you jump to death from the check-out desk.
#OnMyPetsChristmasList
More red dots please
they’re called hooves, dummy🙄
“I have to poop”
~What teenagers say when they don’t want to do something you’ve asked them to do
Deer: *frozen in headlights*
Deer’s mom: I TOLD you to bring a sweater
My solution to everything is fire. How do I get out this stain? Fire. How do you fix a car? Fire. How do you break up with someone? FIRE!
Me: yeah I have a girlfriend, but she lives in a different country
Friend: what country
Me: um… Iceland
Friend: what’s her name
Me:
Friend:
Me: um… Coldy
Mom, can I have another piece of pecan pie?
“You mean MAY, not CAN”
Ok, mom can I have another piece of pemay pie?
Imagine if batteries screamed in agony when they started to die
[three days after inventing phone]
*rrrrrriiiiiiiiinnggggg*
Alexander Graham Bell: oh ffs
I’m ashamed how many times Google’s had to correct my spelling. Yes Google, I meant Shih Tzu not shits zoo.
Unexpected Judgment
The best actress award goes to my 5YO for her performance as a hungry and deprived child just before her bedtime
I’m suspicious of people who don’t like dogs…But I totally trust a dog when it doesn’t like a person.
“Until Death Do Us Part” was put into marriage vows when the life expectancy was 35.
The Matrix described 1999 as the peak of human civilization and I laughed because that would obviously not age well but then the next 23 years happened and now I’m like yeah okay maybe the machines had a point
A jellyfish can go its entire lifetime without ever meeting a peanutbutterfish
If you like bad boys, I’m quite bad at a lot of things.
*winks with both eyes*
(at the pearly gates)
St. Peter: Say “worchestershire”
Me: Oh God I knew it
Talking about me behind my back? Good. My ass likes attention.
Just a reminder that a Cheesecake Factory menu counts as summer reading for your kids.
My ransom was dropped from $30,000 to fifty bucks when my parents told my kidnappers it’d take 2 days to come up with the money.