If you’re on the fence about having kids, repeat “Put your shoes on, please” 100 times in a row until you’re in a blinding rage & see if it’s right for you.
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friend: have u accepted jesus christ as yr savior so u can be allowed into the kingdom of heaven?
me: who all going?
If you ever want to defeat your enemy in battle, just throw a waterlogged nerf football at their head.
Him: I hate that you ask so many questions.
Me: why? What do you mean?
Thursday, 4:01pm
“Still there.”
“Yep.”
“Looks blue.”
“It certainly does.”
“Wet too.”
“Totally.”
“See you next week?”
“Count on it.”
Officer: do you know why I pulled you over?
Me: pass
Officer: have you been drinking?
Me: pass
Officer: You can’t just keep..
Me: pass
Watching my kid pick his nose is disgusting. He wipes the boogers on his shirt instead of the closest cat like a normal person.
Tomorrow I’m going to start using big words to sound smart….Sorry, I meant utilizing gargantuan idioms to simulate intelligence
Sometimes I think about when I told my 10 year old he could be like me when he grew up because I was trying to be cool and he said YAY, I GET TO LAY ON A HEATING PAD ALL DAY
“Regardless of what Newton said, gravity is really just a theory that you humans choose to accept as fact. If you simply refuse to take it as a given, then the whole paradigm shifts. Anyway Brenda, if you’ve got a minute, the litter in my box could really use a change.”
Dad: Are you hungry?
Me: Yeah!!! I could eat a horse right now!
Dad: I was asking the dog.
Me:
The way this woman squealed when getting proposed to is the exact same reaction I had when I found out the restaurant serves 3lb. lobster.
Turkey Homocide Detective 1: That’s the 73rd turkey head today.
THD2: What’s the perp doin’ with the bodies?
THD1: No idea. Hey, the farmer’s calling us over. Is he holding a bloody ax?
THD2: He found the murder weapon! We should wrap this case up quick! I bet it’s the duck.
*from his room
8: Hey, nothing went terribly wrong!
8’s friend: No, nothing happened!
8’s other friend: There’s just a little blood!
guys in 2000’s: i want my pant legs as wide as possible.
guys now: please spray paint jeans onto me.
People get so weird when I step on the gym scale behind them, naked.
Me to my 18yo, who doesn’t like chocolate: What do you crave when you have your period?
Her: Justice.
FB is the Flanders of social media, Twitter is Moe.
Me: A psychiatrist? That’s silly. There’s no such thing as “too obsessed with bagels.”
Her: Says who?
Me: Sesame
*someone hands me a baby*
Oh… no thank you
*places baby on the ground*
The longer I stay home, the more homeless I look
The worst thing about marriage is how it makes you start snoring. I never snored when I was single…
a man in whole foods asked how i was doing and i said ok how are you and he said “it is beautiful in my soul today” and that’s why i never go to whole foods
My cat WHO EATS STINK BUGS OFF THE WINDOW SILL refuses the $8.99/lb deli turkey I bought especially for her sensitive mouth.
Looking back at all the successes & failures in my life, I can’t help but be proud that at least the potty training thing stuck.
I tried to get fired from my job but my boss told me it’s not happening and to make her some Dino nuggets and bring her bunny to the table.
Sober me: I hate drunk people
Me after first drink: WHERE MY DRUNK PEOPLE AT
i’m really getting my money’s worth on rent this year
Autocorrect just changed AC to autocorrect even though I meant air conditioning. And I thought I was full of myself.
You’d think I was wanted for murder the way I react when someone knocks on my door..
Dusting the thermostat for fingerprints.