Aragorn: You have my sword
Legolas: And my bow
Gimli: And my axe
Van Gogh: Just hear me out
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FRIEND: Don’t come on strong.
{Later}
DATE: Want to try some of my soup?
ME: The spoon is too heavy.
Did you know that by today’s standards Marilyn Monroe would be considered dead?
I wish choosing a career was as easy as it is in books. Just some big dingus giant kicking down my door like “YER A PASTRY CHEF, HARRY!”
Light as a feather, smorg as a board
Boss: You can’t or you won’t do it?
Me: Yes
me (normal): hey did you watch those 67 videos I sent you last night
my friend (also normal): of course
Boss: Do you have to be so sarcastic?
Me: Great question Dave.
I can’t grow a hair on my head but overnight I can grow a four inch long single eyebrow hair
Kids today have no idea how easy they have it. I was forced to spend the greater part of my youth as a TV antenna.
ME: *grasping wife’s hand* omg he’s going to say his first words
WIFE: c’mon buddy you can do it
WAITER: can i get you two started with something to drink?
MY WIFE AND ME [excitedly]: d’awwwww
Well well well, if isn’t the girl who gave me cooties in third grade…
AHHHHHHHH HONEY COME QUICK THERE’S A RAT IN THE SHOwer oh uh never mind, it’s just my hair in the drain
93% of men in the 1930s ate their lunch while sitting on the edge of scaffolding at the top of unfinished skyscrapers in New York city.
Oscillating fan: [looks at me in anticipation]
[turns away with disappointment]
Friendship: because I’ve said many dumb things & you acted like they were TED talks
No one:
Absolutely no one:
My 5yo: I wanna know how people break out of jail.
I’m not super into getting older but I do like how nobody asks me to help them move anymore
He died doing what he loved, my now ex-wife
When you wish upon a star your feet burst into flame and you realize it was a dumb place to stand.
I took my 4yo to the playground for the first time in months and based on what I’m seeing I think they’re teaching parkour in kindergarten these days
My Mom says since I’m 33 years old she no longer has to watch me do sweet cannonballs at the pool. That’s total bullshit.
I used to think I had a Japanese friend.
But it was just my Imagine Asian.
AC changed bail to basil, and now I’m sitting in jail with some lovely herbs.
DOCTOR: what were you thinking? He had a sword.
ME: *bleeding everywhere, clutching my favorite pen* that’s not how it’s supposed to work
Baby formula = dad x mom 🤨
*solves baby formula supply chain issues*
Look, Facebook, I don’t care that someone has “added to their story” unless they’re posting from the trunk of a car.
*popular kid is struggling in class
*gets a tutor to help
*Kool-Aid
BFF: do you ever have those weeks where you don’t want to work out, eat what you want and be lazy?
Me: *eating cheesecake with my hands while laying on a lounge chair* nope.
Twitter’s new verified account policy says that fictional characters aren’t eligible but all the Muppet accounts still have their blue checkmarks, confirming what I’ve suspected for years.
If there’s a kid acting like an adult in your ad I will not buy your product and I’ll buy your competitor’s product even if I don’t need it.