Fun Fact:
A burrito will never sleep with your best friend behind your back.
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Just so you know, anytime I’ve said, ‘duly noted,’ I ain’t noting shit.
[walks into kitchen]
Me: Put that back, it’s mine.
Daughter: Sorry.
Me: Your big brother once tried to steal my cake.
Daughter: I don’t have a big brother.
Me: Exactly.
I wish I could re-enact the fantasy scenes from 50 shades of grey. Like the one where she gets a job right after college
Is it rude to try and brush someone’s teeth while they’re talking to you?
Went Trick-or-Treating last night and all I got was yelled at.
King Charles should make Sir Elton and Sir Paul joust.
Raccoons wearing tiny little glasses, digging through trash and carefully reading nutritional information of any food items they find.
Son: My pencil is stuck in this Spirograph.
Me: So, you’re having an exitstencil crisis?
cop: I’m giving you a financial penalty for speeding
me: fine
Bear of bad news: Hey, sport. You might wanna be sitting down. Ready? Oh god how do I put this? I’m gonna have to maul the shit out of you.
Me: I’m going to poop
Dog: Great I’m coming with you
My birth certificate is far and away my most impressive swimming certificate.
Officer: do you know why I pulled you over
Me: the warrant probably
Officer: you have a broken- what
Me: what
It’s been a good 12 months for dogs
I love it when Google maps takes me on a little adventure. Dirt road along the highway? Don’t mind if I do.
American: Your forest fire smoke is disgusting. Keep it up there!
Canadian: Sorry, but have you tried building a wall about it?
You can break your toddler’s heart or you can explain that the dinosaur exhibit at the zoo is closed for cleaning. Choose wisely
Here’s a list of all the things my toddler doesn’t fight me on:
HUMANS EVERYWHERE: If only it could feel like a weekend every day
COVID-19: Hold my beer
You kids today with your on demand music don’t know the euphoria of hearing your jam come on the radio without the DJ talking over it.
A service where I can hire a child actor to come to my home and pretend to love the cartoons I watched back in the day so my kids will think they’re cool and I don’t have to watch any of this new bullshit.
[first day as a crime scene photographer]
me: pretty weak lighting in here
*drags the corpse outside*
Nothing scares me more than when my husband answers me and I’m left wondering just how much he’s actually been listening.
Inside the heads of four JCrew models.
Found out today my ex girlfriend married a successful businessman. I’m probably better off without her, seems like she has ambition and standards
[1st night of a boyfriend sleeping over]
Me: I sleep with a sound machine, that ok?
Him: ya that’s fine!
*I reach over & hit a button. The part in Hey Ya where he repeats “alright alright alright alright” starts to play on a loop*
Me *snuggles covers up to chin*: night babe
{football huddle}
hey are you guys mad at me?
[Date]
Me: So what goes in the bowl first, milk or cereal?
Her: Trick question, I eat pizza for breakfast.
*We just start making out*
Movie Executive: We love the script but what are we gonna call it?
Writer: *monkey in disguise* Monkey
Exec: I dont think that works
Writer: Se-seven Monkeys
Exec: The number of monkeys isn’t really the prob-
Writer: TWELVE monkeys
Exec: Now.. hold on a second.
No thanks. If I wanted flaky I’d date a pie crust.