A baby is a horrible paper weight because it just keeps rolling off the desk.
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we could create a chicken alfredo coffee flavor we have the technology
absolutely not
I have good and bad news
WIFE: Bad news first
We need a new front door
WIFE: And the good news?
[points to Monster Truck in living room]
”I wonder how long cake is good for before it goes stale?”
*I say to myself as I eat the last slice from a cake made earlier that day
Have learned that my fully potty trained 3yo has been telling her teacher every day that she’s had an accident so that she can change out of her uniform and into her (non-uniform) backup clothes. She’s outsmarted us all. She’s a little velociraptor.
I love lunch. you can eat breakfast for lunch, you can eat dinner for lunch. the highlight of everyone’s day at work is “going to lunch”. I love lunch so much I even love the word lunch. think about it. “LUNCH”
[immortal aliens studying us]
After about 80 years, they enter a larval stage and lie dormant underground. We don’t know what happens next.
I told 9 to eat the ice cream straight out of the container, because I’m teaching her basic life skills.
Pro tip: No matter how much you hate wrapping, never ask your wife to wrap her own Christmas presents.
People always ask me if my problem kid is the middle child but my husband is the oldest.
How selfish am I? Circus peanuts and black licorice are my favorite candies just so I never have to share.
In a hotel room. The dog’s growling and whimpering. My wife’s worried the neighbours will think we’re having sex.
With age comes wisdom. And digestive trouble.
ME: sorry boss, can’t come in today. i’m sick as a dog.
DOG: [heelys passed – smoking a pipe] you wish, bro
*seductively removes toilet paper from bottom of shoe*
I see in your bio you’re divorced and play the bagpipes. I’m going to venture a guess as to why you’re divorced
Her: you’re damaged goods
Me *thinking*: she thinks I’m good!
what scared me at age 8:
-quicksand
-snakes
-boat scene from willy wonkawhat scares me now:
-dying alone
-boat scene from willy wonka
The best way to let someone know you don’t like them is to offer them a healthy snack.
Q: My daughter will not eat fish, what can I replace it with?
A: A cat. Cats love fish.
I’m 5’4″ – if I was supposed to be the bigger person, God would have made me taller
Whoever made the almond-milk carton the exact same shape as the chicken-broth carton should have to eat this cereal.
Me: *at the children’s museum* they seem so life like
Wife: those are our children
Her: try curing your hangover with the hair of the dog
Him: the what?
Dog: YEAH SUSAN THE WHAT???
My wife apparently was serious about the whole “even if you were the last man on earth” thing.
skydiving instructor: were not letting you jump out of this plane without a parachute
me: *wearing a hat with a little propeller on top* just trust me
Me: *mouth full* When pizza’s on a bagel, you can eat pizza anytime.
Widow: I still think you could have waited until after the service.
I don’t really argue with people. They just all end up washing ashore miles away under mysterious circumstances.
My son was loudly barking like a dog in the other room and I told my husband to go take care of it and now there’s 2 people loudly barking like dogs.