He died in the bath trying to make a YouTube video entitled ‘Aqua-Toast’.
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Running is the best way to remind yourself how much you love sitting.
I partied like it was 1999 and when I woke up, I was holding a huge flip phone with an enormous roaming charge.
About to go for a run, because shoplifting
My special superpower is seeing patterns. Grandma thinks it’s a bullshit superpower, her knitting room is full of them
there are 2 wolves inside me, but please no one tell my landlord
[sending smoke signals]
*your*
*house*
*is*
*on*
*fire*
If my 5yo’s teacher can’t read the Thank You card he writes, that’s on her.
if your boyfriend insists he rolls everywhere because it’s ‘faster than walking’, my friend, you may be dating a gamer.
AMERICA:
Where someone will eventually figure out how to fry Vodka
I’d be a horrible stalker.. I’m always late
Headache Protip:
Bang your toe into something.
If you can’t remember my name, just say ‘donuts’. I’ll turn around and look.
Yelling out “Stranger Danger!” is a good way to say no when a cashier asks for your zip code.
My 13yo is upset that the tooth fairy didn’t leave him any money last night and I’m upset that I have a kid who still believes in the tooth fairy
I spend 99% of my drunk time chasing my cat around trying to give him a hug.
My 4yo said “daddy, I have two poops on my phone” and I was thankful to see they were just emojis
[at gym]
Him: How much do you bench?
Me: Way less than I couch.
Always remember…. A mirror never lies.
(Fatty)
Person: “Why are you wheelchair bound?”
Me [from my wheelchair]: “To even the playing field for everyone else.”
barbara was highly relatable
👽Hey aliens, Since you’re in the area can you please come get me? I’ve got Coca-Cola and chicken!
Friend: how do u maintain your boyish glow
Me: [trying to keep down a mouthful of lightning bugs] I wish I could tell u
This cashier is a moron
-Me at self checkout
Found out that my girl puts peas in her Mac n Cheese… Our whole relationship is a lie… Why couldn’t she just sleep with someone else like a normal person?
I work at Home Depot.
White guy: There is a man selling tamales out of the trunk of his car in the parking lot and disturbing costumers
Me: Thank you for that information
Me to tamale guy: Are you the guy selling tamales?
Tamale guy: yes
Me: I’ll take three
Him: I’m leaving you.
Me: [can’t hear him because I’m trying to breakdance in my bubble wrap suit]
Most fashion shows these days…
Whenever I tweet about my 3yo being challenging there’s ALWAYS someone who is like “my 3yo was not challenging at all, they were sweet and smart and perfect and it’s because I took them outside.” And I’m always like ohhhh sorry I keep mine in a box in the basement, can’t relate
*Bricks getting laid*
Brick Layer: “Oh yeah! You like that shit don’t you!”
Sawing a hole under the bottom of a table to steal a cooked ham is way harder than it looks like in cartoons.