Just overheard two coworkers knocking Scooby Doo for its loose plot holes and I told them that they’ll “never get away with this” and they didn’t get it.
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My brother, the dentist is getting an award tomorrow. It’s a little plaque!😂😂😂
*Takes gift wrapping paper to the counter*
Her: Did you want to buy that?
Me: No, I just wanted to hold it for a while.
My ex-wife told me to go to hell. She’s fuckin crazy if she thinks I marry her again!
The most I’ve ever paid for sex was ‘marriage.’
[at a wake]
Me: *closes coffin to set my drink down* so, what are you doing after this
Widow: wow
“I love having my toddlers surprise me by joining my shower. Not only is it relaxing and efficient, it’s eco friendly.”
SAID NO MOM EVER
If you take your antidepressant prescription to the pharmacy in your wedding gown while sobbing incoherently, they will fill it instantly.
A chameleon and a ninja walk into a bar.
Neither one can get the bartender’s attention.
Wife: our toddler just hit me.
Me: hell no! I’m gonna teach her a lesson in manners.
[later]
Me: manners origins date back to the 1700’s and the French word etiquette, which is all about socia-
Daughter: I’m sorry.
Me: please don’t interrupt we have 320 yrs to get through.
No need to write it down, I’ve a photographic memory
*looks hard af*
*pukes polaroid*
1996: My loneliness is killin’ me
2020: That’s cute.
Me: *sets alarm for 7am*
Brain: Sounds important! I’m going to go ahead and wake you up three hours early
[The Price is Right Wheel-O-Fate stops on the 🕳 symbol]
DREW: ooh that’s 8 days in the hole
CONTESTANT: what?
[hole opens in the ground]
[turns up radio in the car]
Me: I love this song. I want us to conceive our first child to it
Hitchhiker: dude just drop me off here
I saved a ton of money on cool sports cars, vacation getaways and NFL season tickets by having children.
t-rex: aaargh I cant feel my legs
“I’m married to a raving lunatic.”
– Actual quote from my husband, yesterday, confiding in our neighbor’s golden retreiver.Joke’s on him. That dog tells me everything.
*wakes up in hospital*
What happened?
“It was a heart attack”
Will I be ok?
*a big heart outside slowly taps on window with a bat*
“No”
my one true gender
NASA: you’ve been selected to spend a year on the space station
ME: wow that’s awesome
NASA: you and your entire family!
ME: oh ok no thanks
This new sauté pan and I have vastly different definitions of non stick.
I almost crashed into the semi in front of me while I was looking at a hot construction worker. That would’ve been an embarrassing obituary.
Me: can I see the dessert menu please?
Waiter: No. Not before you finish your vegetables.~family owned restaurants.
“Have you tried divorcing and restarting your marriage?”
– IT Department as marriage counselors
Me: how about if I scrunch down a little more
DMV Photographer: you absolutely cannot have your horse in this picture
What will Tesla name their electric lawnmower?
E-Lawn
I’m so poor, the ducks are throwing bread at me.
#RubbishJokes #DadJokes
It’s pretty wild how we used to lick each other to say hello
1 in 3 Americans, weighs as much as the other 2…!!