Being an adult means I’m in charge of my own bedtime, and I’ve realized I’m not equipped to handle that responsibility.
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There’s been a terrible misunderstanding.
It seems that monkey is the root of all evil.
fed my baby with a knife* today if you’re wondering how hard core of a dad I am
*blunted, plastic butter knife
I always carry a condom in my wallet in case a date goes unexpectedly well & I need to impress her with my balloon animals skills.
Note for people married to fanatical hikers: when they say “let’s get out and walk a little,” your idea of a little might be to that ice cream stand over there and theirs might be 5 miles.
“Well butter my biscuit”
-The Pillsbury Doughboy receiving a compliment
May you never lose your sense of wonder.
Old video games: “Quick! Kill a bunch of dudes!”
New video games: “Quick! Kill a bunch of dudes… but also, take some time to appreciate how emotionally complex it is to be a parent!”
[putting an old car in reverse] oh this takes me back
Me: *struggling to focus on my yoga pose*
Cockroach: *crawls out of my yoga mat toward the instructor*
I am a landlord and my 1 tenant is the spider who lives in my car side view mirror. The rent is free but sometimes there is a great storm in which survival is not guaranteed. For that I’m sorry. I have to wash my car bro
There’s no logical reason for shorts to be the same price as pants.
All semester I got 60% on my tests while sober. Took my final exam drunk and got a 84% on it – University of Wisconsin Parkside
My suspicious mole cancelled my appointment with a dermatologist.
Psychic: your mom asked me to take care of some unfinished business for her
Me: [holding back tears] did she have a message for me?
Psychic: *covertly shoving sex toys into a box* not really
Me: why are you on her laptop?
Psychic: *deletes browser history* she’s at peace now
beyoncé communicating with the dead is what i would call a seyoncé.
Spice up any Facebook comment with random quotation marks.
“Congrats” on your baby.
Congrats on “your” baby.
Congrats on your “baby”.
Never trust a fortune teller buying more than 1 lottery ticket.
sometimes. i will yawn really big. and soon after. the human will also yawn. i have yet to decide. what to do with my powers
obliviously driving m y car through chernobyl , absorbing lethal anmounts of radiation while looking for cute girls
When you donate sperm they ask if you have any “sociopathic tendencies”. I was like “other than creating people for money? ..No.”
” All I’m saying is if your girl wasn’t thinking about me during sex, why is she always screaming my name?”
-God
Why are there no owls here? I WAS LEAD TO BELIEVE THERE WOULD BE OWLS HERE!
#hooters
Hate when I zone out while someone’s talking to me and they have the nerve to ask me a question like I’m in 5th grade and they’re a teacher.
doctor: I’ve never lost a patient and I’m not about to start now dammit!
nurse: we found him. he was hiding in the linen closet
Oceanography is all about current events
My horoscope today just said “NOPE”
Parenting tip: from now on, buy only spaghetti-sauce colored clothes.
* Aggressively aggresses your aggressions into aggressivity. *
Steps to survive on a dessert island:
1. check spelling
2. if correct, enjoy
Am I relying on you to cover up all these blood stains after murdering my ex?
BLEACH I MIGHT BE