I would watch the Bachelor if everyone who doesn’t get a rose gets thrown into a volcano
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Getting high with witches sounds super cool until they start looking at you and whispering about sacrifices.
Hey dude, there’s 10 empty urinals in here no need to stand right next to…
And now he’s talking to me!Someone call 911!
calling a guy “my ex”
-not true
-but makes it seem like he was my boyfriendcalling a guy “someone i only slept w 4 times over the course of three weeks but spent 6 months crying over”
-true
-but makes me look pathetic
I could be wrong, but an escape goat strikes me as an awfully inefficient getaway plan.
GUY (hanging off the side of a cliff): I can’t hold on much longer!
ME (holding two ice cream cones): i really wish i could be more help
Ironic
I get shy when my man stares at me for too long because what if he’s realizing I’m actually a lil ug-ly 😭😂
In star trek not one of those snobs orders a grilled cheese sandwich from the replicator smh
Therapist: Do you have a support system?
Me: I have a lumbar pillow.
Therapist: No, I mean a family, friends?
Me: I have a lumbar pillow.
Found a free bandaid at the pool.
My wife CLAIMS to be my best friend but she didn’t seemed all that psyched when I bragged about this girl at work I just made out with.
Heart: Go get her.
Mind: It’s so risky.
Body: Does this recliner vibrate?
[first day as a doctor]
patient: how bad is it
me: [forgetting the word for spine] you broke your bone rope
Kid: Daddy can I give some of my candy to that duck?
Me: No, ducks only eat things they find in nature, like bread.
The fastest way to get your kids to shut up is to ask them a question you want answered.
[talking to a frat bro]
Me: Dude you have such a strong axe scent.
[trying to impress fiancée’s entire family]
Waiter: Your bill for-
Oh I got it! [looks at bill & spits wine] WHO ORDERED THE “SUBTOTAL”?!?
The fake cough I use when calling in sick is now available on iTunes.
Every time I see inside my neighbour’s incredibly pristine garage, I wonder what secret shenanigans he is up to in his basement.
I’m good, thanks.
The divorce rate is almost at 60%. How does Cupid keep his job with that level of failure?
“wfh”
what it means: work from home
what my brain sees: what fthe hell?
BARTENDER: taste this beer
ME: [tastes it] omg i literally can’t even
BARTENDER: it has pumpkin spice in it
ME: hmm… yeah that explains it
Asking for a donation like Wikipedia every time someone asks me a question
Interviewer: and finally, why do you want to become a police officer.
Me: [thinking of all the awesome parties i’ll finally get called to] help the community obviously
Toddler: *crawling across the desert*
Kind stranger: *offers water*
Toddler: No, red cup!
“Why?” – Socrates and four year-olds
Don’t propose with a diamond, that’s so yesterday. Propose with a pair of oven mitts, at least she’ll knows what she’s getting herself into.
I’m just gonna make myself president. Nobody else ever seems to workout. Gotta do it yourself.
Dating me is like dating a Gordon Ramsay that doesn’t cook.