I experienced this today. I decided I’m a genius. 😂
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is Kristen Stewart a Vulcan
Not sure what I did wrong to get targeted ads for pants with underwear sewn in.
i’m boycotting girl scout cookies until they’re honest enough to list the serving size as “sleeve”
Friend: Don’t you love these new yoga pants? They come with a little pocket for your phone.
Me: Your phone? *quietly stuffs cookies back in pocket*
What if aliens have already visited our planet, and made contact with the most intelligent species, and it’s just not us?
Pugs. Because you can’t own E.T.
this is my favourite piece of literary criticism of all time
As my toddlers took me down like a pride of lions, one pinning my shoulders to the floor and one biting my ear, it occurred to me that maybe we should watch less nature channel
Do you think Sarah Sanders’ husband calls her “the colonel” when they eat fried chicken in bed?
My wife said she for Lent she was giving up eating meat. I thought she did that after the wedding vows.
My boss said I have a lot of emotional intelligence which I think is his way of saying, “we’re worried about your actual intelligence”
A big shout out to my mother who can’t hear me otherwise.
One time when my 10yo was 18 months I took him to the library for story time and he rolled his toy car under a bookcase and yelled “oh shit”. The lady stopped reading and everyone turned to look at me and I didn’t go back to story time at the library again
ME: [explaining to a class of students] The real reason sharks lose teeth so often is because they have a very bad memory
ZOOKEEPER: [into walkie-talkie] She’s back
Her: Who ate all the ice cream?
Me: *blaming the dog* Reese
Her: What? How?
Me: Witherspoon
Visitor squirming: what am I sitting on?
Me: I forgot to get meat out to thaw for supper
HIM: Happy birthday, honey! I got you a gift basket, just like you wanted
HER: Oh thanks! What’s in it?
HIM: What do you mean, “in it”?
*2 Knights on a Quest*
Elgon: Let’s rest here. Does the map say where we are?
Gawain: The map says “Here be Dragons”.
Elgon: Ha! They always say that!
Gawain: *getting off horse* Why do they say that?
Elgon:
Gawain: Elgon?
Dragon: Oh, was that your friend? *burp*
I’ve realized the source of all my stress and anxiety. It’s anything that comes after someone saying “Mom!”
Establish dominance at your in-laws by continuing to eat that piece of fruit even though you didn’t know it was plastic.
Friend: You thinking what I’m thinking?
Me: It’s bullshit there weren’t schools from other continents in the Triwizard Tournament?
F: ….
itself itself itself itself itself itself itself itself itself….
-history
Wear green for St Patty’s Day! You don’t wanna get punched!
-You mean pinched
[flashback to the 6 people I punched earlier]
It’s pinched?
Where’s the lie? 🤣🤣
ME: all the King’s horses and men couldn’t put u back together
HUMPTY DUMPTY: what now
M: [opening package of bacon] I’ll think of something
Human: your name is Flipper
Dolphin: (angerly) uh ok, HAND
Just what the hell are you juicing with this?🧐🤣
God: I need one more rib please
Adam: No
God: Come on man, I can see the future… this is going to be a problem
Adam: I said NO
God: ugh, fine *calls McDonalds* sorry guys but the McRib is gonna have to be limited time only
Just told my kid her freckles are kisses from angels and she said freckles are actually clusters of concentrated melanin. THANKS NICK JR. 🙁
I don’t throw gang signs. I’m Scottish. I throw bricks 🙂