Prison Guard: *evil laugh* I’m going to do a cavity search.
Me, who has never had a cavity because I brush regularly: I look forward to it!
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ME: Is this the “new normal”?
SECURITY: No you always had to wear pants in the store
Why was E the only letter in the alphabet to get a Christmas present?
Because the rest were not-E.
Cow Teacher:
Did you bring up enough for the rest of the class?Heifer *chewing cud*
NoTeacher: Swallow it again then.
Drilling a hole is boring, but fastening pieces of metal can be riveting.
“and you are November’s PM yes?”
“Can you veegle your toes for me? Veegle your toes.” – Dracula, ER doctor
SISTER: i’m engaged!
ME: awwwwwwwwewwww
SISTER: did you sneak an ‘ew’ in there
ME: …no
Hubby’s head seems like it’s almost twice the size of mine.
We are never having children.
After dating me for a month and telling me he’s in danger and needs money, the tinder swindler would’ve been shocked when I said “that’s crazy, what you gonna do?”
A high five is like a regular five that laughs at everything and gets the munchies.
everyone on the saturday night live thing pronounced it sarynyelive
Thanks to my friends for getting me so drunk,that I had to hold on to the grass to keep from falling off of my front yard.
I love when pretty people say that they’re ugly so that I can agree with them and watch the life drain from their faces.
I gave my Yorkie a haircut today. Now I know how lion wrestlers feel.
[ cookout ]
Me: OMG this ketchup is amazing!
Host: yea yea we all know you brought the ketchup
you always think you have the “dateline” story figured out in the first 20 minutes. but then someone goes jogging.
The human personality is made of five key elements
My eyesight is good, but my strongest sense is non.
Child: Can I borrow one of your shirts?
Me: Why?
Child: It’s School Spirit Week.
Me: And?
Child: Today is “Dress Like an Old Person Day.”
My 5yo: Mommy what are shark cooties.
Me: …. What?
5: Ava said shark cooties are her favorite snack.
Me: …..
Me: CHARCUTERIE. She likes charcuterie.
“You are what you eat” I chant furiously, shoving another roach in my mouth. Mushroom clouds keep growing in the distance
Boss:”I’ll need those projections done Aesop!”
Me:”You mean ASAP?”
Boss:”No, I mean a parable that uses animals to convey a moral lesson.”
It feels like Duolingo is giving me writing prompts for a very specific story
This morning my neighbor put a note in my letterbox telling me off for honking my horn to say goodbye to my kids at 9am yesterday
This evening, I’m learning to play the drums
Sure sex is great but have you pulled a sticker off something in one go?
When a child whines and cries, you give it back to the mama, so…
*hands husband back to my mother-in-law*
The Wife: What are you doing?
Me: Dressing for the job I want…
The Wife: PUT YOUR CLOTHES ON.
Kanye forcing Owen Wilson to lie in the back seat of his car & make comments on the road so he can pretend he’s driving Lightning McQueen.
The room goes silent as I demurely sing the first lines of “On My Own.” I take a deep breath before clutching the hand of the person standing in the next urinal.