Slowly crawl towards your sleeping dog, put your face directly next to its face, and whisper “I know it’s been you shitting in my yard.”
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What is going on? 😅
I’ve been eating healthy, so it’s not the best time to confront me on something trivial.
*First day as a boxing cornerman*
Me: So did you guys even try to talk this out first or what
If my boss knew I rated him “needs improvement” in last night’s sex dream, he probably wouldn’t have been so nice to me today.
Of course I’m not going to use my cat’s real name. Lord knows what all these internet perverts would do with that information.
I wanted to go see the Queen reunion concert but I am just a poor boy from a poor family…
My daughter just asked me a math question then proceeded to make motorcycle noises in case you were wondering how homeschooling went this year
Dear life:
If you’re gonna stick me with pimples at my age please give back my old body, my old mind, and most importantly my old Mustang.
Don’t you love followers that don’t acknowledge your existence.
Its so cute. Its like I have tiny marriages all over the world.
Mailboxes were invented so you know how far away you can be in a robe before you look like a mental patient.
There’s aggressive driving and then there’s a parent who is late for a school drop off driving.
Me: I lost my virginity to Barry White.
Her: Really? What song?
Me: Song?
Bartender: This is from that guy at the end of the bar.
Me: A glass of milk??
*looks to the left*
Crap. That’s my Doctor.
shark tooth fairy: *throwing fins up in the air* I quit
MIDDLE EAST: How can we stop ISIS?
EUROPE: How can we save our economy?
AMERICA: What color is this dress?!
You can tell you’re getting old when the barber spends less time on the top of your head and more time on your ears.
Arriving at my funeral, you are woefully unprepared for the sight of my embalmed corpse doing full Van Damme splits between two coffins.
How did so many people gain weight during the pandemic when salad was the only thing stores never ran out of?
I started at the bottom (with a knife) and now I’m here (with another man’s KFC)
I SHOULDN’T NEED TO BE A GODDAMN COMPUTER SCIENTIST TO SET THE CLOCK ON A COFFEE MAKER!!!
Oh, wait, never mind…I got it.
Autocorrect changed ‘are you around?’ to ‘are you aroused?’ and my buddy didn’t want to hang out today.
(Son walks in on us.I make it under the covers.Hubs doesn’t)
9: (Half asleep) Dad why are you naked?
Him: Um..uh…I’m just setting my alarm
9: Oh. Okay. G’night. (Walks out)
Me: Really?! You know that a few years from now, he’s going to strip naked to set his alarm, right?
If I ever find a dead body while I’m hiking I’m gonna be like finally
You see me wildly flailing my arms. Did I:
a) Walk through a spider web?
b) Try to wrap something in Saran wrap?
c) Try to use Scotch tape?
Mary has her cakes…
Sandra has her cookies…
I created a new solvent that will dissolve ANYTHING in the world!
(Sigh)
I just don’t know what to keep it in….
It’s awkward standing in line at the store and the 5 year old behind me is wearing the same light up sketchers
Working on a screen play that involves zombies invading a prom. I’m calling it “Prom Nom Nom”
[visiting America]
Me: Popeye’s? He’s that spinach eating health nut isn’t he?
America: sure is
Me: oh hell yeah, finally a salad for lunch
America: lmao nope
I don’t know what this is or why this is but it is and what I want is for it to be elsewhere
-Me about my kid’s toys