Dilemma: Your daughter brings home a guy with an Insane Clown Posse t-shirt on but your garden is already completely full of corpses.
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Dm: Hi
Me: but have you even accepted Jesus as your Lord and savior?
My dog after a walk in the woods.
Gave my Dad a ouija board so we can keep in touch after he gave my Mom a vacuum for her birthday
[1931]
Him: we should name this time period
Me: the good depression
Him: ok i like depression but the descriptor has to be something more than just “good”
Me [after consulting my good friend tony the tiger]: hear me out
It’s been a week with no gluten and minimal sugar, I’ve lost hearing in my left foot.
Why hunt for vampires when you can just open a tuxedo shop and have them come to you? Work smarter, not harder.
When my son was in grade school the teacher asked the class what they should do if they think there is a fire and he shouted GO TURN THE STOVE OFF DINNER IS READY
Me: …so anyway, the doctor said I might be lactose intolerant
Mom: *hysterical crying*
Dad: you’re a disgrace to the State of Wisconsin. Don’t come home for Thanksgiving. *slams down phone*
My uncle (111 M) gifted me (50 M) a ring before leaving to go travelling. A close family friend (2,019 M) told me to destroy the ring due to problematic associations with the jeweller who made it, but the ring is precious to me and I would feel guilty throwing it away. AITA?
*Sees couple arguing in store*
*Discreetly drops a pregnancy test into the cart*
Cheer up.
ME: Distinguished fellow, have you seen a monster in this Loch?
LOCHNESS MONSTER (wearing a massive fake mustache): *monster noises*
[wife leaving for the weekend]
“Baby formula is in the cupbo–”
“I think I know how to make a baby. Now go & enjoy your dad’s funeral.”
If I weren’t supposed to bring my cat, the wedding invite would say that, right?
If I’m “supposed to” shave my knees then why are they shaped like that ? Exactly
being in a club at my age feels more like i’m being set-up for an episode of “To Catch a Predator”
*filling out preschool form*
1st child: She knows all of the letters and numbers.
2nd child: He knows all of the colors.
3rd child: She knows all of the swear words.
[god designing humans]
Angel: there was a mix-up at the factory. The intestines are way too long
God: *stuffing em all in there* I got this
I painted a banner for our annual family picnic, but my Mom thought “Celebrating 100 Years of Undiagnosed Mental Illness” was inappropriate.
WHAT IF LIBRARIES HAD POSTED MEMES IN THE EIGHTIES: a thread
Wife: I left the kids with you for a half hour & they dumped 3 pounds of sugar in the dryer trying to make cotton candy.
Me: Did it work?
The only time my wife will ever scream “DEEPER, DEEPER” is when they are lowering my casket into the ground
My mother-in-law’s text alert is an entire song. Starting to think my father-in-law’s rage isn’t really from Vietnam.
Me: My Amazon order arrived!
Him: What did you get?
Me: *scratches behind dragon’s ears* Nothing important.
Him: New happy pills?
Me: Maybe.
Why just pufferfish? Why not other pufferanimals?
Why not a pufferpuma?
He has notifications on for me pray for his phone
He says I’m cute when I’m mad. Well he has no idea of how gorgeous I can be.
I’ve watched enough Dexter to know if he’s lying about one thing he might also be lying about a lot of other things and secretly a serial killer.
“I can’t wait to nail you later”
*whispers to the new picture I just bought*
MOVING IS AWESOME
I GET TO PACK UP ALL MY THINGS AND SLOWLY REALIZE THAT THE MATERIAL GOODS I SPENT YEARS WORKING TO AFFORD HAVE BECOME AN ANCHOR FROM WHICH I WILL NEVER BE FREE
OH AND I MUST FORWARD MY MAIL