FRIEND: Thanks for letting me stay here while I’m in town
ME: No problem
FRIEND: Do u have a Waffle House nearby?
ME: No they’re all wood
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What idiot called it the road to Bethlehem instead of the highway to the manger zone?
My toddler kept asking for uncle hall and I’m like dude we don’t have an uncle hall in our family. Turns out he was asking for ALCOHOL so I was all dude you’re just 3yo so would you rather beer or wine?
So nice of the Oscars to give this tribute to Selma then not nominate it for anything
Sorry, I can’t be the bigger person. I’m the size of the average 4th grader.
4: Mommy, do I look like a taco?
(I pause, consider the question and remind myself I’m dealing with a highly irrational creature)
Me: Do you want to look like a taco?
4: Yes!
Me: You look exactly like a taco.
no one ever talks about the cheerful reaper.
Everyone has beautiful pics posted. Where are the losers? I’m leaving.
[friend at his party] I think we’re just gonna keep spotify on for awhile
[me with a harmonica imprint in my pocket] cool my lips hurt anyway
(Creating Atheists)
God: Make some humans Sciencey
Angel: Will they believe in you?
God: No, but they’ll be so surprised when we meet!
Dogs reunited with family: OH MY GOD! OH MY GOD! I MISSED YOU SO MUCH!
Cats reunited with family: I see you peasants are still alive. Feeding me wouldn’t displease me I guess.
THEO VAN GOGH: I can’t believe you lost your other ear in a poker game
VINCENT VAN GOGH: What?
Insane how Jesus was born on Christmas and resurrected on Easter??? Like what are the odds
My teenager just stuck one of her AirPods in my ear and Eminem was playing. She looked me dead in the eye, as if I haven’t blasted this a million times, and had the audacity to ask, “isn’t he good?””
[watching Harry Potter in bed]
Harry: please leave
Dammit Chief not again
I dont get laid nearly enough for someone who can name five different types of pokemon.
You look like you would fail a DNA test
Sitting on the porch late one night. A fox steals up and settles quietly next to me. Pearl divers don’t hold their breath as long as I do.
Twitter: Worchest… Worce… Woostishire, haha this word is so hard to spell, am I right?
Also Twitter: GIMME ALL THE SRIRACHA
before cameras, people would have to say “cheese” for two hours while they got their portrait painted
Childless friend: “My kid will NEVER -”
Me: [Dabs her mouth with toilet paper]
Her: What are you doing!?
Me: You just have a little bit of bullshit coming out of your mouth right now.
9: I noticed there is bacon in the fridge
Me: yes
9: you gonna cook it?
Me: yes
9: I love you
Me: I know
Respect
Sawing a hole in the bottom of a table to steal someone’s cake is way harder than it looks on cartoons.
Him: Hello, I’m Special Agent Johnson.
Me: Well, somebody has a high opinion of himself.
ME: OMG did I just get a shout-out on the radio?
GETAWAY DRIVER: [turning off police scanner] Kinda
As an adult, I’m most afraid when my children’s toys randomly make noise and nobody is in their rooms….
Why do they put Valentines Day candy in a box shaped like a heart? It’s kind of like eating ice cream out of a lung…
“You will feel a little pressure but no pain…”
~Doctors or dentists about to hurt you bad
The child: (hearing someone get mad) you say that word sometimes, Mommy.
Me: What word?
The child: Funking.
Me: No, honey, I don’t ever say funking.