Finally got the “Josh Duggar is good” neck tattoo I’ve wanted for years, now let me just read today’s news as I take a large sip of water…
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If you want my body and you think I’m sexy, please stop buying your prescription glasses at Walmart.
Me: can I start calling him 3.5 yet?
Wife: do you even know his name anymore?
Me: yes wife of course I know his name.
japanese corn
Andrew Garfield implies the existence of Andrew Nermal and Andrew Odie
Have kids so you can get weird compliments like “You look nice in that dress, like a Saturday raisin.”
“I have a PhD, I’m a professor, and yet I could be making more just teaching elementary school! It’s not fair!”
my brother in christ have you ever been the only adult in a room of 28 first-graders
Shout out to jalapeños, or should I say holla peños.
I just don’t understand how moats ever went out of style.
Me: this is my favorite place to do cartwheels but you have to watch out for the rocks
Date: those are headstones
I thought attending Zoom meetings from home was the worst. Then I went back to the office and experienced being around other people who were in Zoom meetings.
BUZZ LIGHTYEAR: To infinity and beyond!
ME: Nothing is beyond infinity, I demand realism in my talking toy movie
My mind thinks I’m 6, and my heart thinks I’m 22, but my body knows we’ve died and reached hell.
I only need to lose 30 pounds by the end of the year to hit my resolution to lose 20 pounds
My cat thinks his name is Pspspspssss
People that say, “If you already have a couple of kids, what’s a couple more?” have obviously never had four kids.
*rebrands massive pile of unfolded laundry as an art installation*
The older I get the less I care about bringing all the groceries inside in one trip
Kind of jealous of how a horse can strap a meal to its face.
Me: one mcflurry please
Cashier: the machine is down
Me: awe then one for the machine too
Some things are better left unsaid
Tequila – No they’re not
Annoy a Boomer today. Take your time vacating the pickleball court.
Cats throw up a lot, so when choosing your pet’s food, I recommend something that matches the carpet.
#caturday
How come no one in the fast and furious movies ever need to get gas?
Again Mr Jovi,
Please stop mailing us bible verses. You cannot continue living on a prayer. We require an actual mortgage payment.
If you don’t agree with someone’s religious beliefs, just dance really hard in front of them like they did in Footloose and they’ll absolutely change their minds
I have literally never stopped thinking about this
Take me down to the paradise city where the salmon are jumping and the tubes are fishy
“My eyes are up here” ~ The last words heard by any guy who checked Medusa out.
Look on the bright side, your insomnia keeps most of the spiders out of your mouth.
actually, i like watching MMA for the outfits