me: (reaches for the bill) no no, i got it
my date, grabbing her stuff to leave my apartment: thank u for paying your own electric bill
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My husband sending mixed signals like, insisting we reduce our online shopping, but also buying and installing a bigger mailbox that “Holds a lot more.”
A Quiet Place (Family, 2018): heartwarming tale of parents who keep their kids quiet with the help of a murderous monster
The whitest shit about Greek mythology is that when they hear sirens they get closer
FRIEND: do you think your truck would hold a queen size bed
ME: *long drag off a candy cigarette* trucks don’t have arms, Gary
At this point in my life, the little angel on my shoulder just says “Oh this is gonna be good…” and starts munching popcorn.
inside you are two wolves
Classified ad:
Hunter seeks gatherer for nasty, brutish and short relationship. No weirdos.
Stan was confident he was no longer able to make quick getaways because the holes were now smaller.
I fired myself from cleaning my own house. I didn’t like my attitude, and I got caught drinking on the job.
Maybelline claims to make eyelashes appear three times longer…..I think they should start making condoms.
My wife says “Don’t walk away when I’m talking to you” when 1. she’s not talking, she’s yelling, and 2. I’m not walking away, I’m retreating
[Observation Ward]
Me: *thinking aloud* Santa Monica implies the existence of Santa Chandler, Santa Ross-
Doctor 1: Take his phone
Doctor 2: I did that three hours ago
Doctor 1: Ugh… give it back maybe?
Sad news for all of us remembering Princess Diana’s death 25 years ago today, and also for any girls born on that day who are now too old for Leonardo DiCaprio.
big fan of the comma, just great. like look, i just made you pause the sentence as you read it. oh look, i just did it again.
*opens kitchen drawer*
Me: Whoa, what’s with all the whisks?
Sir-Mix-a-Lot: Why you judgin me?
I hope my kids love the gifts they receive for Christmas so I’ll have more things to take away when I need to punish them
I know I’m old and exhausted when the “Top 10 Bars To Visit In Your Town” sounds like far too much work because I have a fridge, a bag of ice and a bottle of gin.
I want to open a donut shop called Hole Foods.
See you when you get home from school, I whisper to my kid’s apple
someone please explain to my neighbour I wasn’t “fighting a box,” I was doing the recycling
[spelling bee]
judge: your word is serendipity.
me: can you use it in a sentence.
judge: sure. gary googled the word serendipity.
[the long awkward silence between me and my date is suddenly broken by the sound of toast popping out the toaster]
me: “dinner is served”
Me: Is that a web tattoo on your elbow because you like Spider-Man?
Them: Naw, I killed 5 people
Me: so you don’t like Spider-Man?
My toddler said “I’m happy” and then “We’re best friends.” But it turns out she was talking to her cheese.
The more I learn about Myself the more atheist I become.
If you ring my doorbell I’ll look through the camera, if you don’t have a pizza or donut box I’m not opening the door.
Walked into the donut shop in my ski mask and the cashier started to empty the register into a bag, I had to stop her and tell her I just wanted all the donuts.
GIRL: Spirit, should I have sex with this guy?
ME: *tries to push the ouija pointer to yes but it won’t move* (under breath) grandma, PLEASE
If you fall asleep after midnight, it’s already the next day- so you really shouldn’t have to go to work until the day after. What I’m trying to say is: I got fired today.
Whenever someone calls me, instead of texting, I just assume they’ve had a horrific accident and have lost the use of their fingers & thumbs