Fight club except it’s me and an old nail polish bottle.
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Dentist: How often do you floss?
Me: Daily
Dentist: *Pulls fully grown centaur from between my 2nd and 3rd molars*
When I was a kid we didn’t have to come home until the street lights came on, and sometimes our parents shot them out on purpose.
Yes!
Great!
Bravo!
Hurrah!
Yippee!
Cheers!
Hooray!
Rah Rah!
Woo Hoo!
Whoopee!
Awesome!– Excerpt from “Fifty Shades of Yay!”
me: *filling up my car with gas*
guy next to me: the gas is supposed to go in the tank
me, pulling the pump out of the window: i don’t own a tank i only have this car
“OMGJK” -atheists
There are 70,000 Jehovah’s Witnesses in Melbourne for a conference. So I’ll be answering the door naked this weekend.
Me: Sound the drums of war!!
My kids: *rhythmically drumming their stomachs*
*we enter the buffet*
i just really want crab legs
..not to eat or anything, no, i just wanna scuttle across the floor and see who runs in terror from me
Hell hath no fury like a toddler who demanded to use a fork to eat his soup and can’t eat his soup
Am I capable of premeditated murder?
Your honor, I’ve been planning my cheat day for two weeks.
Me: I love eating nerds
Boy: (brings me Nerds candy)
Me: no, not that kind.
your honor, i nominate the real murderer for the ice bucket challenge!! [a guy stands up] nice
You didn’t make the team.
*me as your life coach
If you’ve been talking for 5 minutes straight, it might be someone else’s turn
I wish Kristen from finance would tell us her husband was an “attorney” one more time so I could feel better about shitting in her purse.
Bird of peace?
The doveBird of war?
The hawkBird of true love?
..wait for it…
….
The swallow
*walks offstage
Photographer: Ok. You two hold hands, & u, in the back, hold a gun to that guy’s head. Nice. I’ll add blush in post.
[making out]
ME: *grabs a blindfold from the nightstand*
GIRLFRIEND: omg really?
ME: *blindfolding the dog at the end of the bed* really.
I just told my boss that “STFU” stands for “Sincere Thanks For Understanding” and it’s REALLY important that none of you tell him otherwise
JUDGE: We’re gonna give you 2 months in jail for the cat pyramid scheme and-
ME: [clearing my throat] Purramid scheme, your honor
LAWYERS: …….
JUDGE: On second thought, we’re going to execute you
Glad i moved to a hip neighborhood where everyone is hot and I look like a rat who figured out how to use H&M gift card.
Great, iTunes terms and conditions has changed and my attorney is on vacation. Just perfect.
“No mom, do not stuff shrimp in your purse for “later”
And other things I thought I’d never have to say to my 85 yr old mother at a buffet..
The amount of things I charge in the evening is why I’ll be the first to go in next apocalypse
I’m not stressed
Maybe, just maybe, passwords wouldn’t be so insecure if we weren’t always asking them to change.
Dating is collecting information about someone until you realize you don’t like them
About 2/3 of Earth’s surface is water. Same for the human body. So really, we’re all incontinent
Her: I’m not cleaning the sheets this time
Left my fiancé at the altar. The relationship is over, but the human sacrifice went perfectly
In relationships, it’s important to pay attention to the little things. My parole officer, for example, hates to be tickled.