Bully: gimme ur sandwich
Me [pulls knife]
Bully: hey man I don’t want any-
Me: -crusts. i know
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therapist: would some music help you feel more centered?
me: no thanks, I’m self-centered
therapist: again, that’s why we’re here
[After reading vows]
Me: Why are you upset?
Her:
Me: Was it the Donald-
Her: Yes, it was the Donald Duck voice.
she has a point
I wish they’d stop turning movies into musicals and make them ice shows instead.
I’d pay good money to see “The Godfather on Ice.”
If you ever really want someone to call back, leave them a message saying, “I’ve got tickets to…” and hang up
it’s only anxiety if it comes from the anxious region of the brain otherwise it’s just sparkling nervousness
[hitchhiking]
Driver: I hope you’re not a serial killer, haha
Me *getting in*: well, I wouldn’t say ’serial‘
I heard girls like guys that are mysterious so I just put a fog machine under my bed
Robin: “Clowns to the left of me, Joker’s to the right. Here I am, stuck in the middle with you.”
Batman: “Shut up.”
*possum hospital
Nurse: Get the crash cart?!
Doctor: Give it a minute
After about two minutes I would definitely start to assume the clapping was sarcastic
Cheer up.
the circle does fit the square if it’s a pizza.
You kids today with your on demand music don’t know the euphoria of hearing your jam come on the radio without the DJ talking over it.
Cats don’t tell police where your drugs are.
Ever sat cross-legged on the floor, only to realize too late that you’re too old to do that & you can’t get up but you’re too embarrassed to ask for help and please send someone I’ve been here for 2 days.
GF: So we just wanted to say we’re engaged!
HER DAD [looks at me] you should have asked me first
ME: You’re not really my type though
Me, embracing the mess I’ve made of my life
My sensitive skin moisturizer is sulking again
[doctors exam]
“I’m feeling a lump here. Here’s another. You have several lumps.”
-uh oh, what does that mean doc?
“it means you’re fat”
I’m so glad our local rats are getting to go on vacation
[cuts open a gender reveal cake and several black cats pop out]
Oh hell yes we’re having a witch!
Date: you know that was just a filter, right?
Me: *upset she’s not part puppy* it’s fine, I’m fine
Аbsolutely crazy to thіnk that Leonardo Dіcaprіo’s future gіrlfrіend іs currently nervous for her fіrst day of kіndergarten
Twitter is kinda like my diary except I don’t use a glitter gel pen or tell you guys how much I miss Josh.
me: I’d like to work from home
hr: request deni—
m: but it’s government advice
hr: it’s simply imposs—
m: and these are dangerous times
hr: but you’re a train driver?
Stuffed animals are strange like an actual tiger will tear you to pieces but here ya go kid, sweet dreams.
I love how breadsticks are an appetizer for pizza; like, yes, I’ll have more bread with my bread, please.
Firing squad leader: Any last words?
Me: I’d like to thank my arms for always being by my side haha
Firing squad leader: ok we’re gonna somehow try to kill you twice