‘How many lights do you wanton?”
“It’s too bright, can you dimsum?”
~ Chinese chefs setting the mood.
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*sales call
Sales Rep: Trust me sir, I’m giving you the best deal..
Me: Ofcourse I trust you, we’ve been talking since 2 minutes, feels like forever
*goes to church
I need all this water turned into wine. Thanks.
What my neighbors thought of me after they moved in:
1. She’s eating cake
2. She’s eating chips
3. She’s eating cake again
4. She’s dipping chips in the cake
I once tried playing tennis with a cymbal but it made a terrible racket
My youngest son can grow a beard even though his father can’t.
Score 1, for my facial hair producing genes.
[My Wedding]
Me: I do
Guests: Awww
Me: Or do I?
Guests: Ooooo
Wedlock even sounds like a threat.
Toasters are just Jack in the Boxes for adults.
I wanna get in touch with those teachers who told me that I have potential, and be like, “Ha! I didn’t amount to anything! In your face!”
Dear Diary—
Today’s the day! I’m going to go up to that cute barista and say: “ALEX! MY NAME IS ALEX! WHERE DO YOU COME UP WITH ‘ARVIN’?! IS THAT EVEN A REAL NAME?!”
[Lawyer]
“I can’t stress this enough. You cannot plead that you’re a wizard ok?”
“ok”
[Later in court]
“I plead that im a wizard your honor”
My least favorite part of a burger or sandwich at a diner has to be the toothpick in the middle. I don’t care what the ingredient combinations are, that part always tastes the worst.
[restaurant]
ME: Do you have updog?
WAITER: [sighs] No sir
M: Ok, is this gluten free?
W: No you have to pay for it
M: Damn you’re good
Her hands were garlic breadsticks of action. Her face was a Cesar salad of expression.
A journey of a thousand miles
begins with-running back in the house for
something you forgot.
With the likelihood of insects being a big part of our future diets, it’s only a matter of time before McDonald’s servers are asking if we want flies with that.
“Rethink this?” buddy I didn’t even think this the first time
Back from the dentist, my teeth are now the most expensive things I own.
My kids found their Kit Kats then accused me of hiding them. Like WTF, how shameful are these kids to go in to my closet?
[poking you repeatedly in the shoulder] I’ll keep this up until you acknowledge me. I’ve got nowhere else to be.
My waxer keeps mumbling about finding Big Foot. Probably just means he finds me mysterious, right?
[approaches group of male coworkers talking about the superbowl]
man oh man I can’t wait to watch the
[looks at left palm]
rams & the patriots play
[looks at right palm]
football
Answering this for men everywhere & this patient. Yes, it is unusual & incredibly icky to flirt with me while I’m checking your prostate.
My husband offered to make me a mimosa & then said, “Oh, sorry, we don’t have orange juice.”
Me: “That’s fine. I don’t take orange juice in my mimosa.”
I walked briskly to the nearest safe haven as I was being chased by the hood on my jacket.
Won the “Typo of the Moth Award” AGAIN!
[at wine tasting]
Hmm yes, very good. a slight smokey undertone.
“Sir, you just put your cigarette in your wine”
Strong smokey undertone
Leaving a watermelon on someone’s doorstep in the middle of night is a pretty inexpensive way to occupy a portion of their mind forever.
Twitter is the only place where it’s actually BORING to discover that you are being followed by hundreds of robots.
When buying a car, let the salesperson know you’ve done your research. What pedal does what, where the engine goes, etc.