I’m always tonguing my cyanide tooth in case someone wants to tell me about their journey.
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Are we doing Secret Santa this year? Because I accidentally bought unsalted butter.
*15th century*
Shaggy: ‘Twas not I
I have a Boo and a Bae. I guess you can say I have Boobaes.
1. OMG will this ever end?
2. OMG will this ever end?
3. OMG will this ever end?-top 3 things on my mind when I’m in a a conversation
if “Joker” had come out in 2020, it would be called “Normal Man”
Victoria’s Secret supermodels aren’t as impressive if you add shopping bags
I have no fear of my family pulling the plug on me if I ever go on life support because I know how much they love wasting electricity
To keep track of us all in the 50’s mom just hung us up on the clothes line.
me: hi
sloth: HELL!!!!
me: ..umm [walks away]
sloth: ..oh 🙁
You’re how old?
*does quick math in head*
Ok! I’m not old enough to be your mom …lets do this!
-justifying a bad decision with math
Me: I can’t get this star on top of the Christmas tree without a ladder, without dumping it over & ruining it.
Whiskey: Yes you can.
Ok kids, you get in bed, I’ll get the story book.
All tucked in? Here we go…*opens The Shining
Went for a handshake and got snubbed. So I turned it into an impromptu Macarena dance, since I didn’t wanna look stupid
barista: do you just want the 2 cookies and one brownie
me: thank you for the word ‘just’
Overheard my 11 y/o daughter record her voicemail greeting: “Hi, you’ve reached my voicemail. When you hear the beep, hang up and send me a text.” This generation gets it.
My youngest child is choosing to drop out of homeschool and instead pursue her B.E.D.
I never understood why people wear black clothes when they want to be sneaky
They should wear leather armor, because it’s made of hide.
Watching an episode of Star Trek (original series) and my 8 year old says the uniforms remind her of The Wiggles.
I can’t unsee it now
Hormones: hey what’s up?
Me: just reading a book.
Hormones: LET’S GET ANGRY.
Me: wait no—
Hormones: AND CRY.
Me: Got any baby aspirin?
Clerk: No, we’re out
Me: *Slides two aspirin bottles together. Plays Marvin Gaye*
Clerk: Sir–
Me: DON’T RUSH THEM!
The past couple of nights, I’ve been partying like it’s 1999. But it’s not 1999. It’s 2018, and my body is furious.
Wife: I swear, I’m gonna kill my boss
Me: please don’t; it’ll get better
Wife: aww, thanks for the suppo-
Me: *interupting* no way you’re making me a single dad of 2 while you just chill in prison
My favorite part of Zumba is mortgaging my house to pay the chiropractor.
Just saw the new Avengers & the audience went NUTS when Shrek showed up & saved the day.
Me: Daddy’s going out today. So I’ll see you tomorrow.
Kids: Okay!
———————————
Mummy: I’m going upstairs to pee.Kids: NOOOOOO!!! WHYYYYY?!?! AAAAAAAAAHHHHH!!! THE WORLD IS ENDIIIIIING!!!
Boss: This is the third time you’ve been late for work this week. Do you know what that means?
Me: That it’s only Wednesday
When I first started dating my wife she asked me what some of my dreams were. I told her one was about a T-Rex who didn’t get a job because he couldn’t tie a tie.
She meant goals
Me: I can’t come into work today. The vibe is off.
Boss: Holy shit take all the time you need
Me: GUESS WHO BOUGHT A MEGAPHONE?
Neighbour: Get out of my house!
Me: You’re not even guessing.
Another exciting afternoon in Cheltenham…