i like how at this walmart they put baby food products in the checkout lane. like oops thats right i have a baby to feed
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Meanwhile in Paris.. 馃檹
[sneezes and shoots my tampon out so hard it sets off another false missle alarm in Hawaii]
I keep sending TikTok clips to 18 and she keeps ignoring them. Girl do you know how many handstands you made me watch in the pool? You owe me.
* feels winds of change
* realizes it’s just a hole in my shorts
I predict that the Institute for the Future won’t exist in five years time.
[Catholic church]
*priest hands out “What To Expect At Your Exorcism”Husband: Babe, this isn’t counseling
Me: You said you’d try anything.
I met my wife online. We’ve been married four years and have a girl, a troll and lovely twin bots.
Me: Excuse me sir, what’s your Wi-Fi password?
Him: *[Leans in] *[Whispers angrily]
THIS IS A FUNERALMe: *[Types in]
THIS IS A FUNERAL
don鈥檛 have the heart to tell my third wife that Coconut by Harry Nilsson was also the first dance song at my first two weddings
“NO SHIT!”
~Urinals
I hate that feeling after surgery when you鈥檙e not sure if you鈥檙e awake or asleep or if you operated on the right patient.
It’s not a “junk drawer,” it’s a free-spirited drawer without expectations or limits.
“Well can I at least pop home quick and get changed?”
-Me, getting my mugshot taken in my Chewbacca onesie
Squirrels run around looking for food because they don’t have access to technology and the endless supply of nuts on Twitter.
Life advice:
1.Never be afraid to say what’s on your mind
2.Never be afraid to do what’s on your mind
3.Don’t take life advice on Twitter
Hockey is more enjoyable if you pretend they’re fighting over the world’s last Oreo.
馃ぃ馃槶 I done ate 22 times and took 13 naps and it鈥檚 still today
Me: I like that we wear our masks in bed.
Jennifer Aniston: How do you keep getting in here?
Brad Pitt: Let him stay.
[killer in horror movie suddenly appears]
me: *sighing* ugh I JUST sat down
Haven’t even received my $1,200 yet and I’m already worried about gold-diggers.
When you’s said addicted to apple products, my mind was thinking shampoo and conditioner not electronics.
Women aren鈥檛 hard to read
For example: When she looks you in the eyes, puts her hair in a ponytail, then starts throwing all your shit out
You鈥檙e done bro
I won’t say I neglect my appearance but I will say I just shaved my legs at my desk after wearing a skirt to work.
you should basically never start working until at least 10:30am. you should also start wrapping things up for the day around 3pm. and we musn’t forget about the traditional hour lunch.
I just yanked a bag of Doritos away from my daughters and yelled “we’re about to eat dinner!” Then I finished the bag off by myself in the pantry.
I’ll see the eclipse when it’s out of theaters and on cable in 3 months.
Today’s PSA:
No one can “get your goat” if you don’t let your goat get got.-You’re welcome
I don鈥檛 mind saying: this last year has been tough on me and the other cult members. Doing goat sacrifices on zoom just wasn鈥檛 the same.
[watching scary part of movie]
10YR OLD: don鈥檛 worry, Dad… I’ll just delete my brain file that鈥檚 recording this part before I go to bed
ME: [trying not to appear visibly freaked out] cool