[trying to impress my date] order whatever u want
her: i’ll have the lobster
waiter: [noticing i am pointing a gun at him under the table] we uh. we don’t have lobster
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Man, I can’t believe 2019 was over 20 years ago
If I were a wrestler, my fighting name would be Pain Austen.
Keep your friends close and your enemies tied to a train track.
Cops call their dogs K-9 because if they call K-10,
then it’s a cat.
so funny that we all have skeletons. underneath it all we’re just a bunch of spooky little bald guys
Dude tried to pick me up at the gym but I was like bro I’m dying just let me lay here
I get it Bryan Adams. It was the summer of 69, but what year?
Dad, I think you need to pay the milk man. One of his goons is here
Sometimes, when I need a really good night’s sleep, I call my burrito guy to come over and tuck me in
[describing criminal to sketch artist]
He was allergic to bees. His shoes smelled like old bananas.
manipulative people really be like oh so now i’m the bad guy for being the bad guy
If I have a son, he’s going to be named Alvin Simon Theodore, and it’ll be funny as hell whenever anyone gets mad and yells his full name.
Why doesn’t anyone put the whole football on their mouth like a pelican and pretend they don’t have it
The irony of being a horse is you could lift weights all day and you will still only have 1 horsepower
A monarchy is crowning a new king & later we’ll watch horses run in a circle for entertainment. Tonight I’m gonna party like it’s 1199.
Boss: Remember to only use your new laptop for job related things
Me: [Using laptop to search for a new job]
*gently releases can of tuna into the ocean*
Go ahead, Little Buddy! You can do this!!!
me: what are you doing
lawyer: [opening briefcase full of ham sandwiches] judges are more sympathetic to your situation after they eat
prosecutor: [opens briefcase full of meatball subs]
lawyer: aw dude you’re going to jail
They’re stuck in your pants?
I got scolded by the gyno for not being able to leave a pee sample, but if I’ve learned anything as a mom it’s to always use the bathroom before I leave home
Nobody is as conflicted as a Jewish zombie about to eat Kevin Bacon.
INSURANCE REP: I’m afraid you’re going to need more coverage
ME: sorry I couldn’t find my pants this morning
If my bathroom scale were polite it would start off by telling me what a great personality I have.
Emojis are so weird. It’s like “I enjoyed your comment, here is a smiling disembodied head suffering from jaundice”.
[crime scene]
Boss: What do you think happened here?Me: The killer obviously rearranged the bodies to fit inside these chalk shapes
Boss: We drew those
Me: Another good theory
Kid 1: Hurt my elbow
School Nurse: Here’s an ice packK2: *fever*
SN: Ice packK3: *diarrhea*
SN: Ice packK4: *decapitated*
SN: Ice pack
“After he ate the shrooms, Mario ate flowers and pretended he could shoot fireballs out of his hands.”
– Princess Peach, at Couples Therapy
Sure, we’ve all been through hard times, but even when I waitressed part time during college and ate ramen noodles every night for dinner I still saved my money for important things like Charmin double ply mega rolls.
[visiting America]
Me: Popeye’s? He’s that spinach eating health nut isn’t he?
America: sure is
Me: oh hell yeah, finally a salad for lunch
America: lmao nope
I just killed a huge spider running across the floor with my shoe.
I don’t care how big the spider is, no one steals my shoe.