Give me the unsend button you stupid bird
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You when you started twitter vs. you now.
5: I accidentally opened this bag of chips so I should probably eat them all, right, Mom?
Me: NO! Put the chips away, have a piece of fruit.
Also me, that night: welp, might as well finish off this sleeve of cookies or they’ll probably go bad.
Woke up a fully assimilated sighborg.
Writing cuss words on the white space of textbook pages is marginally offensive.
Mom, here’s a picture of my bf, he’s a musician
“That’s just the stock image that comes with the frame”
ur wrong, mom. Me and DJ 8×10 are in love
I’m listening
Sometimes when life closes one door it opens another, because apparently life is trying to air condition the whole damned neighborhood.
Donald Duck can walk around Disney pantless and everyone loves him, but when I do it, it’s “indecent”?
[first day as Uber driver]
ME: *weaving through traffic*
PASSENGER: *gripping seat* can you maybe finish the basket later?
What do you mean that “you can’t monetize laziness and procrastination?”
Tater Tots is a much better name than the original Crispy Potato Embryos.
I now know why they’re called the wee hours of the night
THERAPIST: You need more friends
ME: I put bird seed that attracts raccoons in the backyard, last week
THERAPIST: …
ME: …
THERAPIST: … So all of these-
ME: [surrounded by raccoons] Whatever you have to say to me, you can say in front of the garbage boys
They’re stuck in your pants?
A geneticist’s refrigerator has a CRISPR drawer
i balance snacking with exercise by placing a bowl of chips on the roomba and following it around the house
My mother’s scale of concern:
1 missed call = I am busy with the kids.
2 missed calls = I am being murdered in a ditch.
I like to think my essence leaves my body at night, and walks the lonely streets trying to eat custard with chopsticks.
[me dress shopping]
“Ohhhh that’s cute”
*an 80 year old buys it*
Me: But what will I eat?
Nutritionist: *provides me with a list of healthy foods*
Me:
Nutritionist:
Me: But what will I eat?
GIRLFRIEND: How am I gonna tell my dad I’m pregnant?
ME: Leave that to me.
[later, at dinner]
HER DAD: *grabs chest* I’m having a heart attack.
ME: Oh no! Grandpa’s 😉 having a heart attack 😉
if you want to follow me on mastodon it’s really easy, my gimble is chingus. Just type in bibbo into your gumblebox and then when the window pops up select your garpos and dangles and you’re halfway there. It only takes a second.
Hollywood sets impossible standards we can never live up to. Not even once have I saved people from dinosaurs with my knowledge of Unix.
Everyday is Easter when you’re shaped like an egg
A cute bank teller told me he wanted to make love to me in the vault. He’s kinky, but at least he’s into safe sex.
Snakes are refusing to fly on Boeing Max planes.
<enter password>
me
<password is too short>
meonstilts
<password must have at least one special character>
meandbatmanonstilts
PATIENT: I’ve been so stressed out lately. What can I do?
DR DOG (tail wagging like crazy): Studies show that petting dogs relieve stress
“Pyromaniac” puts it strongly. I enjoy starting fires. It’s not my whole deal.