Cats spend two thirds of their lives sleeping, and the other third making viral videos.
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People who use any other buttons on your microwave besides 30 Seconds default one, explain yourselves!
When I was a boy we had to invent snow before we could walk 15 miles through it to get to school.
Best spoiler warning ever
Instagram dude: If you’re like me, and are OBSESSED with French food when it gets cold out…
Every other person alive: Wut?
All I’m saying is Dorothy from The Wizard Of Oz has more confirmed kills than Willy Wonka.
Nobody ever writes about Moby Niceguy.
My son curses like I make love. He has no idea how to do it and someone usually yells at him and tells him to stop before he’s finished.
Unsolved mysteries are just mysteries
Millions of years of evolution have moulded us into a species that struggles to open the wrong ends of garbage bags.
Thinking about getting my dog fixed. Shouldn’t be too expensive. Just needs an oil change and a new timing belt.
Not one person is cooler than the pigeon that just walked all the way into this Mexican restaurant, gently picked up a taco chip, and left.
Well, my grandmother will be happy to know that Gypsies are not as much of a threat as she anticipated.
The Santa Clause (1994) A man gains a ton of weight after murdering a stranger on his roof
At my age, a trail of clothes leading to the bedroom, means I dropped them on the way from the dryer.
normalize asking bartenders if they’ve “heard any rumours lately” so they can give you a fun little side quest
Hubs accidentally picked up my coffee cup this morning, took a big gulp, and spewed it out across the table. What a waste of good Scotch.
Stop it! 😂
“what’s it like having a sister?”
“I know you don’t wanna deal with making me do schoolwork and I definitely don’t wanna deal with doing it so if you let me get away with doing less of it, it’ll make both of us happy.”
– 11yo, not wrong
instagram reminding me of when my little brother ruined a pair of shoes for a class project on entrepreneurship
8 yo, singing quietly to himself “dancing queen, young and sweet, only seven teeth”
if u propose to your partner at my wedding i am shooting you with a gun
It is true. Time flies when you are having fun.
However it is also true that Time eventually rests on a tree branch and shits on your head.
“Pull over! Get out of the car slowly and let me see your shoes!” – fashion police
Do you know beforehand your dog is a cadaver dog, or do your first several walks always happen to end with finding a body?
“I have a particular set of spills,” Liam Neeson says, eyeing his soiled shirt.
He looks for a napkin but the last one’s already been Taken.
Age 17: Avoiding squeaky floor boards to sneak out of my parent’s house
Age 37: Avoiding squeaky floor boards to sneak out of my toddler’s room
If I don’t stop stress-eating, I will be the elephant in the room.
We’re only a few years away from being arrested for crimes we haven’t yet committed based solely on an analysis of our Google search history.
Or at least I am.
Please stop inviting me to bars where I have to stand up the whole time I’m not a dairy cow