“How did you get those scars?”
[Flashback to me running into a glass door]
They’re from Cage fighting.
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Me: I wish I was the most beautiful person in the world.
Genie: done
Me: *looking in mirror* But I still look the same…
Genie: Just wait until you see everybody else.
I’m so mad I put my fist through a wall. I HATE BEING A GHOST
Any bar can be a dive-bar if you wear a snorkel
“Jessica wasn’t usually dead. So when we found her dead we immediately knew something was wrong.”
-Investigation Discovery
People who live in glass houses should install frosted glass around the toilet part.
“I don’t know who you are, but I will find you and I will kill you and – oh sorry, wrong number.” – Liam Neeson in Mistaken
Johnny Depp always looks like he is just as confused by his “accent”
This isn’t working out. You’re one of those “talk it out” types and I just want to slam cabinet doors and fantasize about a garden full of hard-to-detect poisonous plants.
My “snooze” button should just be called the “nope, no yoga today” button.
I’m the dog whisperer. I’ll whisper the word “dog” 20.. hell, 30 times if the price is right
“They say time is linear but it repeats itself. For example, I just got dumped again. Same girl. Were stuck on a loop, and when-”
*the man grating parmesan stops*
“No, that wasn’t a ‘when’ for you, keep going.”
I feel like maybe if God didn’t spend all his time helping people win at sports and awards shows he’d have time to fix some shit
art teacher: …and that’s how you paint a perfect face
Picasso: *running in* sorry, I’m late. what did I miss?
Bought a dozen stamps today so my kids can expect 11 stamps as part of their inheritance
Home is where the tap water doesn’t taste funny.
Chaos Theory or how my wife describes my dishwasher loading technique…
Probably the best way to keep a lion from attacking is to talk trash about hyenas.
Me: ‘Alexa, set the timer for 90 minutes.’
Alexa: ‘What are we burning tonight?’
Them: Do you know who you look like?
Me: No, and I’d prefer we kept it that way.
[getting murdered]
I hope this makes it on true crime TV.
If I’m ever arrested, I would use my one phone call for pizza.
Feel like these super villains wouldn’t have to steal so much if they didn’t insist on paying for all their goons to be wearing the same outfit.
Me: How much does this crate of Chinese dumplings weigh?
Guy: One ton
Me: I know what they’re called, I’m asking if they’re heavy
Starting to suspect my wife was royalty in a previous life and I was her official food taster.
all the video games my bf plays are like “would you like to Search Beehive?” and he’ll say yes and it’ll be like “you have found: A Bee”
The ancient Egyptians had strict burial requirements which may or may not have included being dug up & displayed in a museum years later.
I want my funeral to have invitations with RSVP requests so my introvert friends can decline but still feel good about being invited.
Just learned an important lesson: When texting “wish you were here,” that last e kind of makes it or breaks it.
ok, hypothetically, if I stop to smell the roses, will I have to bend down to smell the roses or are these roses already at nose height
[Throwing change in a well]
Me: I wish you well.
Well: I already am a well.