My mom sometimes texts me pictures of Buddha or a nature scene with an inspirational message like,
“Be kind to others, Evil Lisa.”
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Don’t propose with a diamond, that’s so yesterday. Propose with a pair of oven mitts, at least she’ll knows what she’s getting herself into.
I would like to believe if I ever met any of my idols I would act calm and normal. The problem with this is idk if I’ve ever acted calm or normal.
*stable*
Me: that one
Stable hand: ah careful ridin her, she used to belong to an old knight
M: ok
*Horse goes 2 steps forward & 1 left*
WTF
If you hold a cat by the tail you learn things you cannot learn any other way.
If you’ve ever wondered what it’s like to try to dress a jelly fish, here, try to get pants on my toddler
Marriage counselor: ok, let’s reflect on the last week’s session
Dracula: *snickering* I can’t reflect on anything
Dracula’s wife: are you even going to try and take this seriously?
Sometimes I spend so much time on Twitter in the bathroom that I actually pee twice.
Me: *enters 3-45 into Excel*
Excel: Ah, yes you must mean March 45th
Me the car. Him washing the windshield. If course I’m pointing at imaginary spots because that’s always hilarious.
What were you doing in the shower for so long?
Me: Just shaving my legs and definitely not pretending to be in a sad music video in the rain
[speed dating]
*takes his temperature*
Old age is when you need your glasses to find your glasses.
[hospital]
“I’m afraid it’s bad news. Your husband will never walk again”
“Oh God, he’s paralysed?”
“No, someone’s bought him rollerblades”
Me: I’ve invested heavily in hedgehog funds.
You: I think you mean hedge funds.
*opens door to roomful of hedgehogs*
Me: Nope.
just nearly combined “no worries” and “all good” into the powerful concluding remark “all worries”
Bae: Are you coming over?
Me: Yes, I’m coming over.
– Me and Bae having CB Radio sex
Me: I’ve finally finished that jigsaw puzzle!
Her: YOU DRUNK! It took you 6 months!
Me: On the box it said 2 to 4 years!
Tell them you’re stupid and they’ll say you’re smart, just to prove you wrong. That’s how stupid works.
While you’re thinking what to wear, I’m thinking how to take it off.
“I can’t believe I own a Tesla!” I’m so sorry, is there anything I can do to help?
A Doctor’s Guide on Pain Management: “What’s your pain level on a scale of 1-10?”
1 – “Why are you here?”
2
3
4 – “That’s not that bad, you can manage.”
5
6
7 – “You’re exaggerating.”
8
9
10 – “You’re lying.”
Apparently trying to edit the family cookbook to include ‘minced feelings’ at the end of every recipe’s ingredients list is “not okay” and I need to “seriously cut it out”.
[driver on opposite side of the road puts head lights on]
moth driving: omg
moth wife: Harold no we have a baby
moth baby: FLOOR IT DAD
Singin’ in the Rain (1952) but with a Velociraptor
If you named your kid Hunter because you like to hunt, then I hate you. Who names a kid after an activity?.
*Storms off w/ his son, Kegger
Marriage has its pros and cons: on one hand, you get to wear a cool ring, but on the other hand, you don’t.
Thursday Thought.
“We just want to find someone who will-”
*sly grin* -Finish our sentences?
“Exactly.”
-death row inmates
Wrong hole.
Wrong hole.
Wrong hole.
Wrong hole.
-trying to put on my distressed denim jeans
My kid just locked me out of the house in 95 degree weather, but sure, “it goes by so fast.”