TERMINATOR: Come with me if you *really* want to live.
[montage of them going to art galleries, swimming with dolphins, sky diving etc]
You Might Also Like
Netflix needs to stop asking if I’m still watching and start asking if I switched the laundry over yet.
YouTube is a dangerous place for kids. There’s a lot of filthy stuff they could stumble upon like videos on how to make slime
Stray dog: digs through garbage all day to find one piece of food to survive.
My dog: eats one piece of new kibble and vomits because it’s not his favorite brand. Goes on a hunger strike.
I haven’t vacuumed since two thousand and twitter.
GERG: She licked ur donut?
JERY: Shes a DONUT LICKER!
GERG: gross!
JERY: she also said she “hates america”
GERG: Donut licking traitor!
I will walk one state over to avoid parallel parking.
Her: You’re always teaching the kids how to use things improperly!
Me [flattens out a piece of lettuce, takes my writing ham out of the tackle box]: Go on…
Bomb Squad: it’s going to explode if anyone makes any sudden movements
Officer: oh no
Hostage: oh no
Kool Aid Man: OH Y
Gravy boat is a pretty stupid name. You don’t fill a regular boat with water…
a funny thing to do is to call someone & say “HI THIS IS BLOCKBUSTER VIDEO YOUR VHS RENTAL OF NEW JACK CITY IS 1,382 DAYS PAST DUE”
12 people have been to the moon and only 8 people have won Takeshis castle. Really makes you think.
“Let me be clear” the sliding glass door said as I face planted it.
what is your skin care routine? mine is mac n cheese
I cannot call her anything else now
Spider-Man has a special plate onto which he can put down his felafel and hummus sandwich. It’s a pita parker.
Don’t name your car. It’s not a boat. Don’t name your boat either.
We’re living in two Stephen King novels. The Dead Zone and The Stand. If clowns show up I’m done.
GREAT day volunteering at the library! Noticed a local youth reading a book called “Moby D*ck” so I confiscated it before it could corrupt his innocent mind. Then I found a fun book about laughing out loud called LOLita and gave him that instead. I LOVE keeping young minds pure!
2020: The Year In Review
Everyone: No
You hear the words “gamer girl bath water” and suddenly you all know what a bath is
I had a near-death experience. I panicked and asked god what flavour cream soda was. God didn’t know either.
[Produce Aisle]
Sir, we’re going to have to ask you to leave.
*mouthful of like 20 grapes *
“That lady took one too!!”
“Jingle-horse” sounds like an insult made by someone who wasn’t very good at crafting insults
*DJ drops the beet*
ERRYBODY IN THE CLUB begins wondering why the DJ would bring a root vegetable to work with him.
The best part about getting older is now when my friends make me mad I just give their kids a gift that contains glitter.
me alone with my thoughts vs me alone with my thoughts five minutes later
Recipes call for an item that isn’t used much and the grocery story only has 40 pound bags of it for $7000.
goldfish memory actually lasts for months not seconds so don’t play that “I forgot about the rent” shit with me, Bubbles
“Why are you wearing?” – existentialist reporter on the red carpet
Just saw an ambulance pull into a cemetery, like dude, you’re too late.