I know you all think *I’m* the chaotic one in my family, but a baboon troop just broke into my sister’s house and stole two jars of peanut butter and her husband chased them off with a baseball bat, an event she relayed by dropping a video with no explanation in the group chat
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Dropped mother-in-law at airport.
Her flight isn’t until Tuesday, but with security and all, best to play it safe.
Him: Do that thing I hate
Me: Tries to answer his hypothetical questions
It’s not drinking alone if you’re stuck in traffic
Despite its deceivingly yummy smell, this bar of oatmeal almond soap tastes just like soap.
I approach.
“Girl are you a couch? Cuz I’m gonna try & fail to pick you up.”
She laughs. “I’m Jen.”
My training hasn’t prepared me for this.
Just called the number of a guy I met last night and a pizza place answered. I didn’t even know you could live in pizza places. I’m in love!
[Truth or Dare]
Her: What’s your biggest secret?Salazar Slytherin: *sweating* No secrets here haha. Definitely not a chamber full of ’em
I was pretty sure you were the wrong kind of crazy. Then you used “luckfully” in a tweet and removed all doubt.
Seriously, if you go to Central or South America to visit ancient ruins and you don’t dress as Indiana Jones, what’s even the point? Bonus points if you can get the whip through customs.
I’m opening a restaurant called “It doesn’t matter, whatever you want” since every girl alive wants guys to take them there.
UBER: Sounds better than “Let’s get in this strange man’s car!”
Before Calling Me, ask yourself “Is This Textable?”
My girlfriend & I went to a Halloween party dressed as corn and we didn’t know anyone so we couldn’t join conversations without giving off a very threatening corn energy so we stood in the corner just being corn, eating snacks, and watching people which was probably also alarming
*Meanwhile at a restaurant*
Waiter: Welcome sir, would you like a table?
Me: So kind of you, I wouldn’t mind.
*Picks table and walks out*
TRAIN TIP: A few minutes before the train arrives at your destination, get up and crowd around the exit so you can wait faster.
I USED VOLUMIZING SHAMPOO TODAY AND NOW I CAN’T STOP SHOUTING!
if you drive a shitbox you know the code.. don’t talk smack about the shitbox or the shitbox will remind you quick who’s in charge of the situation
Shouting “Shotgun” will get you the front seat of a car or a heap of cash if you whisper it to a cashier.
The only thing I do to get my body ready for summer is make sure my AC is serviced.
WAITER: may i suggest the steak
VAMPIRE: no you certainly may not
I scream. You scream. We all scream. We’re being chased by bears. Life is a nightmare.
Nice try, poison.
Just tossed my hair seductively and a chicken nugget fell out.
I hate handshakes. The bones really mess up the blender and the knuckles are hard to swallow.
how does a Matrix movie work in 2021? I’m supposed to be scared of living in a fake reality, trapped forever in 1999? Shit frost my tips and log me in
“Is it in yet???”
-My ATM, mocking me.
The only reason to engage with a neighbor is if either of you is on fire.
I’m hoping the next currency fad will be allen wrenches. I’ll be a gazillionaire.
Jennifer Aniston is always cast in the same role because she’s a victim of Rachel profiling.
Every newscast:
“This horrible tragedy occurred in this part of the world. In other news, this irrelevant celebrity did this inane thing.