Shout out to the top 5 waters in the world, holy, tap, you can lead a horse to, baby with the bath and bridge over troubled.
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*Door creaks open*
*Faces lean in*Wife: They need more lunch money.
9: And money for the book fair.
17: And gas money.
13: And can you sign this permission slip?Me, from the commode: Guys… can any of this wait ten minutes?
okay, i admit it. you’re wrong.
Co-worker: I know I’m not everyone’s cup of tea…
Me: Yeah, you’re my glass of ipecac.
[first day working at a bakery]
Customer: can I get a-
Me (brushing crumbs from my mouth): we’re out
Until you’ve tried to start a conga line at a funeral, don’t tell me about your drinking problem.
Unlike smoking, vaping doesn’t reduce your sex drive. It just reduces the sex drive of the people who see you vaping.
I’m getting my eyebrows waxed into “permanently surprised” position so it looks like I’m paying attention.
When I was younger MTV actually played videos. That’s what the M stands for. Music. Not Maternity, Motherhood or Moron.
If Rocky 4 couldn’t improve Russia and US relations then nothing will
DATING TIP: OFFER THEM WATER. PUT 2 STRAWS IN.
ROMANTIC WATER.
What idiot called it proposing and not kneel diamond
Why are there no horror movies about astronauts dealing with a werewolf on the moon? It’s such a perfect setup.
5yo discovered superglue when I wasnt looking. His theory is that is fixes everything, including ripped pages in books.
If you spend “up to $9000” on my funeral it better be on some kind of mechanism that makes me sit up in the casket when people walk by.
Doctor: Can you point to where it hurts
Me: [gestures wildly towards The News]
What’s it called when no one can dance but everyone dances?
A good wedding reception
Women have all the answers to all your questions.
And you don’t even have to ask.
God: “At least I didn’t get FAT.”
Buddha: “At least I didn’t get CRUCIFIED.”
I used to think that ‘Gun point’ and ‘Knife point’ were real places. I’d see or hear media reports about things like; ‘man robbed at knife point’ and think ‘ooh, never want to go there, too much crime.’
her: i love croissants
me: *trying to impress* i’m flaky too
To me the most romantic part about having a crush on someone is when instead of just telling them, your anxiety just makes you act increasingly more unhinged in conversation until you both hate you 🥰🥰🥰
Them: Ma’am, we received your Aisles On-line order and we’re just calling to question what seems to be a discrepancy in your order.
Me: I did indeed order 30 packages of bacon if that’s what you’re referring to.
Bringing home a sharpie
I asked my 5yo if he wanted leftover chicken for dinner, he said ‘ew, that’s a whole day old’ and I didn’t know I gave birth to a mini Gordon Ramsey.
Forget ‘Drive like your kids live here,’ drive like you have 4 large diet cokes on your passenger seat
If anyone is missing a cup it’s probably in my daughter’s room
if you really want to capture her heart this Valentine’s Day sculpt her likeness in ham, the most sensual of the smoked meats
The worst thing about marriage is how it makes you start snoring. I never snored when I was single…
My tupperware bowl just reminded me that I had spaghetti in 1999.
the sexual tension when everyone arrives at a 4-way stop at the same time