Me: Don’t forget…measure twice, cut once
Surgeon, to nurse: Why is he awake?
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I’m not interested in men anymore, my focus is on buffets.
YANKEE DOODLE: *sticks feather in his cap* This is called macaroni
YANKEE DOODLE’S FRIEND: Ok, cool. Listen man, everybody’s worried about u
Doctor: does mental illness run in your family?
Me: I do have an aunt that’s a morning person.
[guy named mark who successfully used his cloning machine] this is remarkable
Me: I’m hard at work
HR: this is why you’re fired
Researcher: By 2030, life expectancy is predicted to increase globally by 6 years.
Southerner: [pouring mac and cheese into deep fryer] No.
Ladies winter is coming and they are going to try to lure you in with hoodies and fireplaces. Don’t fall for it.
I mean I’m probably gonna but the rest of you should stay strong.
Finally finished Oppenheimer. He liked zoning out, staring open-mouthed while thinking about floating dots. We all do, but I guess it’s what you do with it
I wear my fitness tracker to bed. If I’m making 2 trips a night to the bathroom, I’m damn well getting credit for them.
Meow
If snails are so slow, how come nobody sees them coming? It’s always like bam, there’s a snail
They’re creepy, but cult leaders get shit done.
Just remember, you can’t please everyone.
So just focus on what’s important, pleasing me.
*tries to throw a cotton ball really hard over and over again*
[Homeschool field trip to the laundry room]
Kids: Dad, what IS this place?
Me: I have absolutely no idea
Me reading cooking instructions off the bag I just threw out
To understand the difference between Italians and Canadians all you need to know is two things. Italian sausage and Canadian bacon…
The best way to watch the MTV Music Video Awards is to turn on the TV and turn the channel to MTV and then go outside and set your house on fire.
Girl, same.
Saying “I’m practicing social distancing”
-everyone doing it
-not very exciting
-no varietyExclaiming “keep your hands off me good sir!”
-classy
-are you a character in a victorian novel?
-implies someone would want to touch you
I hate when I’m checking out a bag of chips, and the guy standing in front of it, thinks my lustful gaze is meant for him.
I don’t care what anybody says, my six hours of Black Friday shopping saved me at least $7.50.
[7:00:00am] *opening eyes* today is gonna be a great day!!! 😀
[7:00:01am] wait no
[7:00:02am] hold o—
[7:00:03am] stop
I’m holding my head high and my middle finger a bit higher.
Apparently ‘gravy’ is not an acceptable answer to the question, “What would you like to drink with your meal?”.
All those years of getting horrible elementary school pictures was just society’s way of preparing you for your driver’s license photo.
*Myself at the doctor*
Is this test absolutely necessary?*Taking my dog to the Vet*
Whatever test is necessary, spare no expense.
*throws a dead pigeon at jerk who cut me off in traffic*
Wife: Hun, I don’t think “flipping the bird” means what you think it means.
You know you are old when you say “I’m old” and nobody wants to object to it.
*gets ‘knîf’ and ‘fork’ tattooed on my knuckles so I remember which hands to use when dining with the queen*