OH. WE’RE HALFWAY THERE. WHOA OH. PIGEONS WITH NICE HAIR.
You Might Also Like
2019: starts making risotto
2021: almost done but not quite
I was always told that women can’t have it all but I just ate two everything babies.
If pigs do eventually fly I bet they’ll take off from airporks.
Apparently the main job qualification for being a pirate was that you had to be named after a beard.
Watched Dahmer with my grandma and she kept talking about ways to get that smell out of the house.
Very concerning
I use my teethbrush then go play feetball and commit arms robbery. Just giving you a head up.
– people with the right amount of body parts
Her: I’d really love some flowers.
Him: Orchids?
Her: No, just flowers.
Me: [shaking uncontrollably watching political satire]
Her: are you alright?
Me: YES THIS IS HOW I RELAX NOW
I gotta ask, what part of ‘I don’t eat sugar’ don’t I understand
Etiquette advice please: I can smell that my neighbour’s grilling burgers
Do I bring my own paper plate or is he obligated to provide one
Interviewer: If you get this job what will you bring to the team?
Me: cake…I’ll bring cake
Up until 2013, Pizza Hut was the largest buyer of kale in the US
They used it to decorate their salad bar
Me: *enters 3-45 into Excel*
Excel: Ah, yes you must mean March 45th
As if it weren’t bad enough being stuck inside this increasingly failing meat chassis, why’s the calcium scaffolding gotta be weakening too?
“You busy tonight?”
Well, that 100% depends on what you’re about to say next.
I fed my dogs spaghetti so they could kiss, but instead they’re growling over a cold meatball and not sitting still for my painting.
If Die Hard is a Christmas movie, then a sleeveless vest is perfectly suitable attire for dinner with your mother, Sharon.
Officer, I know I was speeding, but you have to let me go. I’m running late to a concert and I’m the guy who brings the giant beach ball.
no, YOU’RE holding a fresh loaf of bread like a newborn baby
If you’re not going to card me for wine, then don’t card me when I ask for a senior citizen discount.
Cop: Are you high?
Me *riding an ostrich* holy shit I hope so
I’ve never been #BackToTheFuture , but my mom always used to promise me she’d knock me into next week if I didn’t behave.
BREAKING NEWS: Man gets out of offending people by saying “present company excluded of course” after highly offensive statement
13: Can I have the password for Amazon?
Me: Certainly, honey. Ready?
13: Yep
Me: I-N-Y-O-U-R-D-R-E-A-M-S
When someone at the gym asks if I’m “using that equipment”, I say “No, my love for it is real.” To date, I’m the only one to find that funny
Good Cop: Book ’em.
Illiterate Cop: I’ll just wait for the movie.
*Googles: pet raccoons
“Raccoons are wild animals. Keeping raccoons is ILLEGAL in…”
*scrolls
“What to Expect From Your Pet Raccoon!”
*clicks
“I think we should-”
Kiss under the moonlight? omg we finish each other’s sentences!
Hairdresser: was gonna say trim the sides a bit shorter
Mom u can stop cutting the crust off my bread now im in a gang