Millipede Parent: This little piggy went to market…
*ten years later* …and this little piggy went weee all the way home.
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They’re a 10 but they use only the amount of garlic listed in the recipe.
“OMGJK” -atheists
I just locked eyes with a man at the gym. Was it because of his massive muscles? His perfect sun kissed tan topped with nicely placed tattoos? Was it his large hands and feet? No. It was because he was eating a Caramel Apple Pop and I didn’t know you could still buy those.
Horrifying if literal: a handbag
If the kids can’t find something I say “I think it’s in the car” then I sit in the car for 10 minutes on my own pretending to look for it
Parent level: expert
toothpaste ads are like do you want your teeth to look so good it makes your friends feel like shit? and ppl be like hell yeah i do
I’m tired, you’re tired, we should probably sleep together.
If you want to know how Irish my family is, my parents don’t have a liquor cabinet, they have a liquor closet
Right next to the beer fridge
He said it’s canoodle night later, and I thought great, I love lasagna.
Chairman: I’d like everyone to go over what they chose as their mascots.
Burger King: A king.
Wendy’s: A joyous child.
Mcdonald’s: I didn’t know we- um, a clown? Like a big nasty clown.
Chairman:
Mcdonald’s: A big nugget. Maybe purple. No wait how about a moist little thief?
Tip for great hair: Don’t wash it for 17 days. Finally shower. Wait for the compliments to roll in.
Well well well…
Turns out “pick the biggest one & punch him in the face” gets you more respect as a new prisoner than as a new 1st grade substitute teacher.
“It’s ok to double dip if you eat the whole bowl of chips & salsa by yourself!”
I shout as I swat my date’s hand away
“Blind dates are fun!”
Me: Just so you know, I’m DTF right now.
Wife: I don’t know what “DTF” means.
Me: Take a guess.
Wife: (pause) Definitely Too Fat?
I hope Instagram is still active during the apocalypse so the zombies can post pics of whose brains they’re currently eating
me: if i follow them, will i see their tweets?
Twitter: absolu-
Twitter algorithm: no.
CDC: Clean commonly touched surfaces
Wife: I don’t meet these criteria
Why does Minnie Mouse wear heels? She is the only female mouse Mickey knows. Pressure’s off, girl. Your boyfriend doesn’t even have a shirt.
Me: “I like you.”
Date: “I like you, too.”
Me: “Well this just got boring.”
[pirate ship capturing another ship]
Pirate: Prepare to be bored!
Other Captain: Don’t you mean boarded?
*pirate opens stamp collection*
[1st day seal clubbing]
Me: OMG this is awful
Guy: [choking back tears] I know right?
Me: [feeding MDMA to a seal pup] There isn’t even a DJ
Humans have 46 chromosomes, peas 6 and crayfish 200. You’re clearly not that complicated.
The pipes burst at my best friend’s house and I accidentally told someone his water broke
I would like to publicly state my support for Some Sex Marriage.
Hey electric toothbrush makers-
I don’t think they’re tall enough. One fell over on the counter and only took out four more toothbrushes, two deodorants, a hand soap dispenser, and a scented lotion.
I failed at chemistry in high school…
And finally started dating in college.
do you actually wanna go to grad school or are you just depressed and were trained to find (fleeting) fulfillment in academic success
FOR THE LAST TIME, MY EYES ARE UP HERE
I yelled at my gynecologist