What idiot called it a contraction and not a birthquake?
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I like to reassure my wife that even though I don’t have huge muscles she is always safe with me cause I’m a really loud screamer.
I’m sorry your wife touches the elf on the shelf more than you.
INVENTOR OF THE CEMETERY: what if I told you there was a legal way to hide a dead body
Any TV can be a TV dinner if you eat TVs
Your mother and I want you to know that we love you very much, so that’s why we’re getting a divorce and marrying you instead.
This is true.
On vacation, I ask the concierge to stand outside the shower and ask me random questions so I can feel right at home.
Worst perfume name ever.
If you think my tweets are strange you should hear the squirrel’s side of the conversation.
At my local supermarket, a clerk told me that their fresh shipment of toilet paper sold out in 15 minutes. People preparing for the shitpocalypse.
if “Joker” had come out in 2020, it would be called “Normal Man”
Her: Your hair looks nice today
Me: Thanks. I slept differently.
WAITER: questions about the menu?
ME: is it recycled paper?
WAITER: no, i meant about what’s on it
ME: oh. what kind of ink is this?
I saved a ton money on a security system by hanging a picture of my paycheck on the front door.
my future husband is probably fake laughing at his girlfriends Iame jokes rn. be patient king, a true clown is on the way.
I don’t need a New Year’s resolution, it’s the year’s turn to be better.
Keanu Reeves always seems like he’d be a cool guy to hang out with; you could murder a hundred assassins or maybe do yoga.
I want to win a contest where you get a line in a movie. And I want that line to be about the chili dog I’m eating. And I’m going to keep screwing up that line. And they’re going to have to keep bringing me chili dogs.
[Swiss bank]
ME: I’d like to take out a loan
CASHIER: Okay, what kind?
ME: A tober
CASHIER: what?
ME: A toberloan
CASHIER: Are you trying to say Toblerone?
ME: …toberloan
everyone make a new friend so you don’t get assigned to David
I’d make an excellent cavewoman because I can finger paint and light fires.
Why throw it in the hamper when I can throw it on a chair that’s 2 feet away from the hamper.
– My husband
Find you a woman that spends her night using lunchable meat to try stealing stray cats from the local gas station
Why don’t you sing about it?
– Walt Disney as a therapist
It sucks that boomers got sports cars for their mid-life crisis but I’m probably just gonna start playing World of Warcraft again
My daughter’s boyfriend left his wallet here. I put girls names & numbers in it. Later today I’ll ask my daughter if he has change for a $20
Imagine your card gets declined at Hogwarts and you have to go to public wizarding school
People need to realize that being an alpha male has nothing to do with power and dominance and has everything to do with how many things you can carry in a store without a basket.
Me: [every single day for 18 months]
da da…say da da. Can you say dada? Say da daaa…daaaa daDaughter:
Me: shit
Daughter: shit
My kidnappers are trying to leave but I bolted the doors shut lol