I think they’ve made more Kung-Fu Panda movies in the last 20 years than they’ve made actual pandas
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COP: Nobody on the main floor. Let’s check upsta–
GIRAFFE COP: Nobody upstairs
Almost broke up with my therapist on the spot when she said she had never seen Ratatouille. How could she possibly help me she knows nothing
I hate it when people call me judgemental
Especially people wearing shoes like that
im like a onion. peel back the layers and u’ll see that deep down inside im just a smaller more afraid onion
Screech up to a yard sale. Ask if they have any haunted amulets. Yell at the dog in your backseat, “I’m GETTING the spell reversed, Greg!”
CASHIER: have a nice day
ME: how
People who think that children should be silent don’t realize that a quiet child usually means someone’s getting an unlicensed haircut.
My husband accidentally woke me at 5am while getting ready for his morning run. Exercise doesn’t just hurt you, it hurts the ones closest to you.
WIFE: Where’s the dog?
*flashback to me giving him the keys to the car to get more beer*
ME: I let him outside.
Interviewer: “What is your biggest weakness?”
Me: “Answering job interview questions correctly.”
The Genie granted me 1 wish and all I wanted was to be happy.
Now I live with 6 dwarves and work in a mine.
Whatever you’re giving up for lent, I’ll take it.
Just updated My Facebook status from “Single” to “In a Trinity”. #wayoverdue
*makes 9 yr old son memorise my phone number in case he gets lost
[He gets lost]
*I don’t answer my phone as I don’t recognise the number
Don’t know if it’s the cape, the boom box or the telescope, but it’s getting so a guy can’t even bbq on his roof without attracting attention.
Duck typos.
“There is a policeman in here and he will ARREST YOU.” And other inspirational things I say to my kids when we’re in public.
Guy: Why does everyone call you “Gross Gary”?
Gary: [filling a canteen with hotdog water] Nobody calls me that.
*therapist writes in pad*
Me: Sometimes I feel like people don’t notice me-
*therapist jumps*
Therapist: SHIT! HOW LONG HAVE YOU BEEN THERE?
Me: Tie me up? That’s kinky
My Kidnapper: You’ve made this awkward now
DOCTOR: “Ok, now PUSH!”
WOMAN IN LABOUR: “Should I be doing this in my state?”
DR: [leaning out of car window] “Less talky, more pushy.”
You lost your mind? Don’t worry. Ask any mom and she’ll find it within two minutes.
Why an exclamation point after “R.I.P.”? You don’t need to shout.
They’re dead.
i get a version of this tweet a lot. and i feel like i finally nailed the reply today.
so, ya know, showing off!
People who use the lift to go up one floor will be wiped out by natural selection
Me: I really want to go travelling
My bank balance: like…around the house?
[Applebee’s, 49 BC]
waiter: what would you like, sir
Caesar: gimme that salad named after someone famous *wink, wink*
waiter: *hands him a Cobb salad*
“I hope this email finds you well”
The email finding me
It’s amazing how people will leave you alone if you just commit to faking a British accent all day