Just called to make an appointment with a psychic but she told me that I don’t show up.
You Might Also Like
Sure, you women *say* you don’t need men anymore. But just wait until we start packaging tampons in tightly sealed jars.
I’m tired of “working hard” and “trying my best.” I want to be a raccoon who just found a whole container of chow mein in a trash can
I’m not smiling because I like you, I’m smiling because I’m imagining a piano landing on your head.
Granny said “alright now, if she fall that’s it for me” 😭
Falling in love with some people is like hearing the theme music from Jaws, but diving in anyway, convinced you can change the shark
Look out. The Guest Who Wants to Help in the Kitchen has arrived. She is me and she does nothing well.
HER: Does your dog do any tricks?
ME: I taught him to lie on the bed
H: That’s not impressive lol
DOG [gets on bed] I wrote The Hobbit
This might be the most wholesome advice column question I have ever seen
Day 1,459 of my son acting shocked and aggrieved when I tell him to go brush his teeth before bed.
This is my favorite Twitter interaction ever.
WIFE: would you chop these onions for me
ME: sure
WIFE: I meant with a knife
ME (tightening the belt on my karate robe): aww man
Will smith literally runs in every movie. Name one movie he didn’t run in. I’ll wait
Muscle memory, but it’s the Amazon driver pulling up to my house on the odd day he doesn’t have a package for us.
Before Instagram:
Omg you should have seen how the parsley was placed to the left of my grilled chicken thigh
What should we call this giant advertising board?
PHIL: A philboard
BILL: I have a better idea
If you’re havin AutoCorrect problems I feel bad for you son. I got 99 parabolas bit s butch Saint omg.
Dear Santa,
My ex was very naughty this year. But I was very good. So you can just send me all his presents.
Netflix just asked me “Are you really going to eat that too?”
He said there was no spark between us, so I tazed him. I’ll ask again when he wakes up.
When I find out you work in the medical profession, no matter the capacity, I will ask you to look at this rash. Just to annoy you
You want real 2020 energy? I went to the woods to avoid COVID and now helicopters are flying over my cabin because a killer is on the loose
Husband: Where are Girl Scout cookies?
Me: We were robbed.
Husband: They only took the cookies?
Me: Well, that and the vase your mom gave us for the holidays. Weird, right?
Negotiator: I need proof of life.
Kidnapper: *motions phone to me* They want confirmation you’re alive.
Me: *sighs* Does it count if I’m dead inside?
Negotiator: Um, this is really embarrassing, but the family changes their mind. Good luck.
Me during the day: “I’ve learned not to worry about things I can’t control.”
Me at 3:42am: “What are the chances of surviving a medium-sized asteroid impact?”
me: what do you know about atoms?
friend: very little
me: besides that
Inside you are two Cookie Monster. One want cookie. The other want more cookie.
Me “I AM THE CHOSEN ONE!”
Wife “Don’t be so dramatic. Everyone gets jury duty sometime”.
tfw you have a meeting with your boss, and you aren’t entirely sure if you quit or if you got fired but you definitely don’t work there anymore
The worst thing about parallel parking is witnesses.
my (35m) 10,000 rats (1m, 3f, 1m, 3m, 2m, 5f, 5f, 2m, 1m, 3f, 1m, 3m, 2m, 5f, 5f, 2m, 1m, 3f, 1m, 3m, 2m, 5f, 5f, 2m, 2m, 4m, 5f, 5f, 2m, 1m, 3f, 1m, 3m, 2m, 5f, 5f, 2m, 1m, 3f, 1m, 3m, 2m, 5f, 5f, 2m, 2m, 4m, 5f, 5f, 2m, 1m, 3f, 1m, 3m, 2m, 5f, 5f, 2m, 1m, 3f, 1m, 3m, 2m, 5f..