JOHN LENNON: Love is all you need
ME: This guy knows what it’s all about
JOHN LENNON: I am the egg man coo coo ca chu
ME: OK scratch that
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Fun game: if someone wants to shake your hand, sniff your fingers first and then see if they still want to.
I have a date with a sexy, young doctor. Technically, it’s called an appointment. But whatever.
Wife: pick a Christmas movie to watch.
Me: Lord of the Rings.
Wife: that’s not a Christmas movie.
Me: then why does it have elves?
Wife:
Me: plus Gandalf looks like Low Carb Santa.
Nobody:
South Asians: can someone get married so I can dress up
Women love when their boots go Click Clack because it reminds them of horses, from which women evolved.
“President Clinton, can you respond to rumors of renewed infidelity?”
The only woman in my life is my darling *squints at notecard* Hitlery
[wedding]
Priest: repeat after me
Groom: after me
P: … [to bride] is he serious
Bride: no his name is gary
BEARD PROGRESSION:
1. Clean shaven babyface.
2. Cool stubble.
3. Rugged.
4. Homeless man.
5. Psycho killer.
6. Religious nutjob.
7. Wizard.
Drink to remember.
Drink to forget.
Tweet while drinking,
Wake up with regret.
#BrexitIn5Words
He’s just not into EU
Overheard:
“I think that creepy guy is listening to our conversation.”
My husband just told me the scariest thing that a husband should never tell his wife. “I think I’m getting sick.”
A dog needs to be the next president.
“A dog can’t-”
When has a dog ever raised taxes or started a war?
“I’ll start the paperwork.”
What if the hobbits couldn’t fly the eagles into Mordor because the eagles were made by Boeing
The Purge: Valentine’s Day
5: dad is sixty eighty?
me: wtf
5: is today tomorrow?
me: the hell?
5: Saturday Sunday Monday?
me: hey honey, 5 is broken.
I forgot that I ate that chocolate. So can I have another one?
~ kid logic
I miss the eighties when the biggest problem was saving the local youth center with a break dancing fundraiser.
STORY TIME
my skin is a few shades darker than my siblings on either side, so I stood out.
one time when I was about 5, a woman looked at all of us and asked
“are you tan from the sun!?”
and i said
“no i’m nate from earth”
Mom: if your friends jumped off a bridge, would you jump too?
Me, friendless: rub it in a little more, Judy
Goldfish crackers are the best snack for teaching kids it’s ok to eat your pets.
Just banged my head but unfortunately it didn’t knock any more sense into it.
lot going on here, legally speaking.
My son almost missed his plane because he thought his seat number was the gate number.
The same kid they said was *gifted* when he was four.
In every single case, the Scooby Doo gang discover a human is behind the mystery, not ghosts or mummies or whatever. Yet they start each new case believing the villain is a supernatural being. Every time. Not once do they say “maybe it’s an old man like last time”
Cop: Save it for the JUDGE!
Crook:Ok
*crook wraps up last slice of pizza in foil*
Lawyer: it’s too bad the judge had to miss our pizza party
I didn’t think a McDonald’s Happy Meal would fill me up, but it did…
OMG, I ATE THE TOY!
I’ve come to the terms with the fact that finding stuff in the refrigerator is not one of my life skills. Our entire fridge could be made out of roast beef and I will ask you where the roast beef is.
Me: If I had a superpower, what would it be?
6YO: Being nice. Not yelling.
Me: Really?
6YO: Oh, I thought it was like which ones did you need.
Me:*opens mouth*
Husband: Don’t. You’re the adult.